Yeah. No matter what, I'm really glad you got back too. I mean, for one thing, it seems like you're about a million times better off here, and for another, maybe this is a selfish reason given the scope of all this, but I also like being around you?
[Seeing that... shouldn't hurt. It really shouldn't, and Grant's long-practiced picking-apart of his own psyche starts up the instant he feels that. Why does it bother him? Because he feels like Sylvain already made his appreciation clear, and it hurts to see him feeling like he hadn't? That certainly seems like a suitably selfless reason, one he could accept without shame, if he actually believed it was the issue. Is it actually some fractured perception of his own confusion, uncertainty as to just what it was he did for the others? Beyond getting Dimitri to start sleeping again to begin with, but...
...Maybe that is just it. He knows the others appreciate what he, apparently, did for Dimitri - what they seem to consider largely a bigger deal than Grant can justify it as in his own mind. Certainly, he's glad that he could apparently help; especially now, seeing Dimitri as he can be when he's stable and not running on almost no sleep, loving him, Grant couldn't be more relieved to have been able to make any contribution to that. And obviously others who care about Dimitri would be glad it happened. Obviously it’d stand out in their minds, and if it is as big a deal to them as it seems to be-- then how can Grant himself possibly measure up to that single achievement?
Consciously, he knows that’s not the reason any of them choose to be around him now. It’s probably not the reason Sylvain showed interest in him, or agreed to date him. He probably didn’t jump the gun and agree to date Grant just because he felt like he owed him.
Grant can just barely shove a “not” into each of those thoughts as they crawl into his head, the frantic mental buzz of illogical thought and desperate, long-practiced correction a discordant but familiar partner to the sinking feeling in his chest.
He should not feel like this.
And he has to respond.]
I hope it can be some reassurance that the idea got across pretty well, at least as far as Dimitri I’m not sure what I’ve done for the rest of you though, haha
cw: grant needs more therapy
[Seeing that... shouldn't hurt. It really shouldn't, and Grant's long-practiced picking-apart of his own psyche starts up the instant he feels that. Why does it bother him? Because he feels like Sylvain already made his appreciation clear, and it hurts to see him feeling like he hadn't? That certainly seems like a suitably selfless reason, one he could accept without shame, if he actually believed it was the issue. Is it actually some fractured perception of his own confusion, uncertainty as to just what it was he did for the others? Beyond getting Dimitri to start sleeping again to begin with, but...
...Maybe that is just it. He knows the others appreciate what he, apparently, did for Dimitri - what they seem to consider largely a bigger deal than Grant can justify it as in his own mind. Certainly, he's glad that he could apparently help; especially now, seeing Dimitri as he can be when he's stable and not running on almost no sleep, loving him, Grant couldn't be more relieved to have been able to make any contribution to that. And obviously others who care about Dimitri would be glad it happened. Obviously it’d stand out in their minds, and if it is as big a deal to them as it seems to be-- then how can Grant himself possibly measure up to that single achievement?
Consciously, he knows that’s not the reason any of them choose to be around him now. It’s probably not the reason Sylvain showed interest in him, or agreed to date him. He probably didn’t jump the gun and agree to date Grant just because he felt like he owed him.
Grant can just barely shove a “not” into each of those thoughts as they crawl into his head, the frantic mental buzz of illogical thought and desperate, long-practiced correction a discordant but familiar partner to the sinking feeling in his chest.
He should not feel like this.
And he has to respond.]
I hope it can be some reassurance that the idea got across pretty well, at least as far as Dimitri
I’m not sure what I’ve done for the rest of you though, haha