[HOW DOES HE START WITH THIS. It's like Grant knew and/or was just as awkward as Zuke was. Grant was so nice that he probably just made sure this would feel as friendly as possible. But oh no, Zuke messed up with this long ago and was making this more awkward but he promised Claude and he promised he would fix this. Even if it took him forever to come clean, he promised he would do it out of respect for all parties. Whatever happened to him was fine, yeah.]
I'm okay. Good as I can be right now...which isn't bad! But!
[UGH HE HATED HIMSELF.]
Look, okay, I know Claude and Dimitri spoke with all of you what happened months ago and Claude told me there were confusions and that's on me. Really. I was just kinda unsure about so much back then and feeling like a mess so I didn't know what to do. But I haven't been honest, I've been hiding. So I need to open up dialogue somehow even if it's been so long-.
Look, what I mean is...I like you. I like you, Grant. A lot, and I know! I know, you and the guys have a consensual thing and I don't wanna get in the middle where I'm not welcome but that's how I feel.
[Let's be real, it's... sort of both but also not? He kind of knows. He knows it's a possibility. But it's not one that seems particularly likely to him; he's got to assume until proven otherwise that there's another explanation for Zuke contacting him about this topic.
He is, however, just as awkward as Zuke, that is entirely true.
He fidgets in place as Zuke talks, not wanting to interrupt him even as nerves have him feeling like he's going to shake out of his skin.
...He must have done a really good job telling himself not to let himself think the third person was him, because when Zuke finally gets it out, Grant finds himself genuinely surprised.]
--Wait, me?
[Yeah, that's the first thing he's got, which is... sort of embarrassing, actually. He hurries past it, addressing the rest instead:] I mean, it's not-- you're not in the way of anything! When... when we were talking about it before, Claude brought up - and he's totally right on it, I think - one of the last things we want is for you to feel like an intruder! H-however this resolves. Just... y'know, before we talk about anything else, I want to make sure you know that? Because, no matter what, we do care about you and we don't want you feeling like you've done anything wrong.
[He trailed off, looking at his feet while talking on the phone. He could feel Nadia's energy sweep over him, trying to calm him down as he spoke. He kept having to remind himself of his courage, each time. He was getting tired of it. Tired of himself. Why did he have to keep complicating things.]
I believe that you all mean it, I do. But I could really feel like it's all so awkward now. And no matter how many times I talk about it, it all end ups me trying to be consoled. When it's about you guys too. I promised everyone I would be honest because that was fair. But I know it's putting you guys on the spot. So, it's just...been difficult. That IS my fault.
I mean, the reason we've wanted to tell you it's not your fault is because it isn't - it's not anyone's fault, just a complicated situation, so of course we'll want to correct you when you talk like you've done something wrong. But, all the same... I can see how it might feel unproductive to have that repeated over and over, whether you believe it or not.
So... I guess what I want to ask is, do you know how you do want to talk about this? I know it's gonna take another group talk and maybe more time before we can give a clear answer, but... anything else you want cleared up in the meantime?
[At least, complicated and messy though this may be... he can try and do this. To make Zuke feel like they've accomplished a little more in this conversation.
...Even if that might mean Grant having to open up a bit more about his own feelings. That's fine. He can't exactly complain, not when Zuke's put himself in such a vulnerable position by bringing this up.]
[Zuke was struggling, but hearing Grant talk like this...well. He wasn't sure it was gaining him the confidence in himself as he's been going up and down about it but this was the first time he felt someone fight for it. Not that he blamed anyone for hanging on, he could never. But the voice advocacy for him wasn't unnoticed, and he knew it wasn't easy for Grant.
Grant was a lot like him, it was easy to come up with logical sensible solutions. He just hoped-]
More or less, I want it cleared with everyone. If it's more organized as a group then so be it. I have to take it. But look. Are you okay with that?
Well, if you mean-- [He pauses, and then adjusts course a bit to get right to the point:] Regardless of what part of this you're asking if I'm okay with, the simple answer is "yes". I'm alright talking it out with the others, and your feelings toward me, Claude, and Dimitri don't bother me. No matter how this turns out, this isn't going to make me any less comfortable with you, nor do any of the complicating factors to be talked over have to do with my opinion of you; I think pretty highly of you, and I think the same is true of everyone else.
[There was a moment for a pause over the phone. A stern silence almost. Like someone was trying to collect himself. A harsh inhale and exhale would be heard.]
So like...what should we do now then? What's the next step? I wanna be able to see this through so everyone's happiest with this.
Mm... I think... [Grant sighs, shoving a hand through his hair, unseen.] I guess the next step is that I'll let the others know you told me. Then we can have a more effective conversation about what to do than last time, and... I guess we'll get back to you and decide what to do from there.
...I'm sorry. I wish I could give you something more concrete than that. Or at least promise less of a waiting period before getting an answer.
[...Of course Zuke couldn't expect that this would go as he would love to. It wasn't his call to make. The very idea of rejection did hurt but he had to be the mature and calm one in this situation.
It was fine, he was equipped for this. Zuke was the chillest guy who understood that relationships of all kinds mattered. His most important being as platonic as ever.]
Of course I do. I like you guys. I love being back here with you all.
[Grant hates to put the stress of thinking about the risk of rejection on Zuke like this, but it doesn't feel like it would be any more fair to ignore the possibility - not when Grant, himself, doesn't even know his own answer to Zuke's feelings yet.
But what he does know is that he doesn't want to end up on bad or awkward terms over this, if there's any way to avoid that.]
Same here. I'm really glad to have the opportunity to know you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Grant picks up quickly; better to get this done than leave Zuke to keep worrying himself in circles.]
Hey. Uh... how are you doing?
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[HOW DOES HE START WITH THIS. It's like Grant knew and/or was just as awkward as Zuke was. Grant was so nice that he probably just made sure this would feel as friendly as possible. But oh no, Zuke messed up with this long ago and was making this more awkward but he promised Claude and he promised he would fix this. Even if it took him forever to come clean, he promised he would do it out of respect for all parties. Whatever happened to him was fine, yeah.]
I'm okay. Good as I can be right now...which isn't bad! But!
[UGH HE HATED HIMSELF.]
Look, okay, I know Claude and Dimitri spoke with all of you what happened months ago and Claude told me there were confusions and that's on me. Really. I was just kinda unsure about so much back then and feeling like a mess so I didn't know what to do. But I haven't been honest, I've been hiding. So I need to open up dialogue somehow even if it's been so long-.
Look, what I mean is...I like you. I like you, Grant. A lot, and I know! I know, you and the guys have a consensual thing and I don't wanna get in the middle where I'm not welcome but that's how I feel.
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He is, however, just as awkward as Zuke, that is entirely true.
He fidgets in place as Zuke talks, not wanting to interrupt him even as nerves have him feeling like he's going to shake out of his skin.
...He must have done a really good job telling himself not to let himself think the third person was him, because when Zuke finally gets it out, Grant finds himself genuinely surprised.]
--Wait, me?
[Yeah, that's the first thing he's got, which is... sort of embarrassing, actually. He hurries past it, addressing the rest instead:] I mean, it's not-- you're not in the way of anything! When... when we were talking about it before, Claude brought up - and he's totally right on it, I think - one of the last things we want is for you to feel like an intruder! H-however this resolves. Just... y'know, before we talk about anything else, I want to make sure you know that? Because, no matter what, we do care about you and we don't want you feeling like you've done anything wrong.
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[He trailed off, looking at his feet while talking on the phone. He could feel Nadia's energy sweep over him, trying to calm him down as he spoke. He kept having to remind himself of his courage, each time. He was getting tired of it. Tired of himself. Why did he have to keep complicating things.]
I believe that you all mean it, I do. But I could really feel like it's all so awkward now. And no matter how many times I talk about it, it all end ups me trying to be consoled. When it's about you guys too. I promised everyone I would be honest because that was fair. But I know it's putting you guys on the spot. So, it's just...been difficult. That IS my fault.
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So... I guess what I want to ask is, do you know how you do want to talk about this? I know it's gonna take another group talk and maybe more time before we can give a clear answer, but... anything else you want cleared up in the meantime?
[At least, complicated and messy though this may be... he can try and do this. To make Zuke feel like they've accomplished a little more in this conversation.
...Even if that might mean Grant having to open up a bit more about his own feelings. That's fine. He can't exactly complain, not when Zuke's put himself in such a vulnerable position by bringing this up.]
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Grant was a lot like him, it was easy to come up with logical sensible solutions. He just hoped-]
More or less, I want it cleared with everyone. If it's more organized as a group then so be it. I have to take it. But look. Are you okay with that?
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So like...what should we do now then? What's the next step? I wanna be able to see this through so everyone's happiest with this.
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...I'm sorry. I wish I could give you something more concrete than that. Or at least promise less of a waiting period before getting an answer.
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Well, at the very least, this is the most I got. Just a matter or time for all my laundry to hang to dry.
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[He already said that, didn't he. Whoops.]
...Just. To be totally sure, I need to make sure you know - even if this doesn't turn out, if you still want to be friends, I do too.
[The last thing he wants is to lose a friend over all this.]
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It was fine, he was equipped for this. Zuke was the chillest guy who understood that relationships of all kinds mattered. His most important being as platonic as ever.]
Of course I do. I like you guys. I love being back here with you all.
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But what he does know is that he doesn't want to end up on bad or awkward terms over this, if there's any way to avoid that.]
Same here. I'm really glad to have the opportunity to know you.