[Grant's chest and throat still feel tight, constricted with possibly-irrational guilt that he'll have to unpack later, and the simple, painful certainty of the confirmation of something he's been dreading for... well, longer than Sylvain could know, that's for sure. Not that he can tell him that. He doubts it would do Sylvain any good at all to know how long Grant had been worrying about the state of their relationship, if he should bring it up, if he needed to be working harder to get to know Sylvain, or if he was just worrying about nothing.
Now, though, he can at least make himself take a breath and read back over the message, pushing aside emotional reactions that he knows are bound to spring back and hit him full-force later. That'll be then, ideally when he can get a moment of privacy. This is now, and he owes it to Sylvain, especially after all that's happened recently, to focus on the more reasonable of his feelings.]
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense I honestly appreciate that you're thinking of that. And it'll probably be good for you to have one less thing to think about right now
It's not like I mind thinking of you. I never lied about any of the things I said. I really do think you're charming. But... I want to do more dates with you before I drag you into dating me. Felix and Dimitri know what kind of mess I am by default, and Claude dragged it out of me within a week or two. But I feel like there's a whole lot of things that I haven't told you.
Like. Did you know I snored in my sleep? And also hog all the blankets? That could be a deal breaker for you, you know.
[It isn't so much that he's trying to deflect with humor. Rather, he's trying to assure Grant that, for all of his doubts, he still wants to be able to be with Grant like they were.
Still -- ]
... I promise I'm not trying to make light of the situation. I just... Want to be sure for both of our sakes that this is something we want. I don't know how much the guys have told you but I used to be... pretty terrible with relationships. Deliberately terrible. Breaking hearts twice a day terrible. Maybe I'm just scared of going back to that guy.
Haha, I wouldn't exactly say you dragged me into anything But beyond that I see what you mean. We didn't talk a whole lot before this all started
[So... he gets it! It makes sense! He's just gotta get through to himself that this is not, in fact, a complete rejection. And maybe continuing to talk like he's already processed that will help him actually get there.]
No, you're good - i mean for one thing, for all you know those COULD have been big deals to me
Yeah I heard some things about your dating life being uh. Active? But that was about it I see It seems like a really good step that you're TRYING to avoid acting like that to begin with? But I see why you'd want to be careful Come to think of it i guess I could probably afford to try harder to stay out of old habits myself.
I never thought you were lying to me, by the way. That's part of what got my attention to begin with
I'm glad you didn't think I lied. Or anything else. And I really appreciate your understanding. I really didn't want to make things weird with us. I still really enjoy being around you.
I'm probably repeating myself though.
But above all I'm... really glad that I still get to know you. And... That I was able to come back to you at all, you know. I don't think I ever got to really thank you for all that you did? For Dimitri and the rest of us.
Yeah. No matter what, I'm really glad you got back too. I mean, for one thing, it seems like you're about a million times better off here, and for another, maybe this is a selfish reason given the scope of all this, but I also like being around you?
[Seeing that... shouldn't hurt. It really shouldn't, and Grant's long-practiced picking-apart of his own psyche starts up the instant he feels that. Why does it bother him? Because he feels like Sylvain already made his appreciation clear, and it hurts to see him feeling like he hadn't? That certainly seems like a suitably selfless reason, one he could accept without shame, if he actually believed it was the issue. Is it actually some fractured perception of his own confusion, uncertainty as to just what it was he did for the others? Beyond getting Dimitri to start sleeping again to begin with, but...
...Maybe that is just it. He knows the others appreciate what he, apparently, did for Dimitri - what they seem to consider largely a bigger deal than Grant can justify it as in his own mind. Certainly, he's glad that he could apparently help; especially now, seeing Dimitri as he can be when he's stable and not running on almost no sleep, loving him, Grant couldn't be more relieved to have been able to make any contribution to that. And obviously others who care about Dimitri would be glad it happened. Obviously it’d stand out in their minds, and if it is as big a deal to them as it seems to be-- then how can Grant himself possibly measure up to that single achievement?
Consciously, he knows that’s not the reason any of them choose to be around him now. It’s probably not the reason Sylvain showed interest in him, or agreed to date him. He probably didn’t jump the gun and agree to date Grant just because he felt like he owed him.
Grant can just barely shove a “not” into each of those thoughts as they crawl into his head, the frantic mental buzz of illogical thought and desperate, long-practiced correction a discordant but familiar partner to the sinking feeling in his chest.
He should not feel like this.
And he has to respond.]
I hope it can be some reassurance that the idea got across pretty well, at least as far as Dimitri I’m not sure what I’ve done for the rest of you though, haha
Not to be cliche but... You're kind of the glue that sticks us all together. Never mind the fact that you're a an external voice to give us a sense of reason when we get all caught up in the nuances of Fodlan politics. You're not beholden to the world we're from, so you give us a whole new perspective.
Plus... I don't think any of us would have been willing to address our collective feelings if you hadn't sat us all down and told us it was okay to feel that way?
I guess I hadn't thought of it like that Mostly I figured it was probably kinda weird for you guys to have a guy hanging around who none of you even knew before getting here, ha So. Thank you
I dunno, I think you guys would have worked things out eventually.
[Maybe faster, even, if he hadn't shown up as a suddenly-involved fifth wheel.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Now, though, he can at least make himself take a breath and read back over the message, pushing aside emotional reactions that he knows are bound to spring back and hit him full-force later. That'll be then, ideally when he can get a moment of privacy. This is now, and he owes it to Sylvain, especially after all that's happened recently, to focus on the more reasonable of his feelings.]
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense
I honestly appreciate that you're thinking of that. And it'll probably be good for you to have one less thing to think about right now
no subject
I never lied about any of the things I said.
I really do think you're charming.
But... I want to do more dates with you before I drag you into dating me. Felix and Dimitri know what kind of mess I am by default, and Claude dragged it out of me within a week or two. But I feel like there's a whole lot of things that I haven't told you.
Like. Did you know I snored in my sleep? And also hog all the blankets? That could be a deal breaker for you, you know.
[It isn't so much that he's trying to deflect with humor. Rather, he's trying to assure Grant that, for all of his doubts, he still wants to be able to be with Grant like they were.
Still -- ]
... I promise I'm not trying to make light of the situation.
I just... Want to be sure for both of our sakes that this is something we want.
I don't know how much the guys have told you but I used to be... pretty terrible with relationships. Deliberately terrible. Breaking hearts twice a day terrible.
Maybe I'm just scared of going back to that guy.
no subject
But beyond that I see what you mean. We didn't talk a whole lot before this all started
[So... he gets it! It makes sense! He's just gotta get through to himself that this is not, in fact, a complete rejection. And maybe continuing to talk like he's already processed that will help him actually get there.]
No, you're good - i mean for one thing, for all you know those COULD have been big deals to me
Yeah I heard some things about your dating life being uh. Active? But that was about it
I see
It seems like a really good step that you're TRYING to avoid acting like that to begin with? But I see why you'd want to be careful
Come to think of it i guess I could probably afford to try harder to stay out of old habits myself.
I never thought you were lying to me, by the way. That's part of what got my attention to begin with
no subject
Or anything else.
And I really appreciate your understanding.
I really didn't want to make things weird with us. I still really enjoy being around you.
I'm probably repeating myself though.
But above all I'm... really glad that I still get to know you. And... That I was able to come back to you at all, you know.
I don't think I ever got to really thank you for all that you did? For Dimitri and the rest of us.
cw: grant needs more therapy
[Seeing that... shouldn't hurt. It really shouldn't, and Grant's long-practiced picking-apart of his own psyche starts up the instant he feels that. Why does it bother him? Because he feels like Sylvain already made his appreciation clear, and it hurts to see him feeling like he hadn't? That certainly seems like a suitably selfless reason, one he could accept without shame, if he actually believed it was the issue. Is it actually some fractured perception of his own confusion, uncertainty as to just what it was he did for the others? Beyond getting Dimitri to start sleeping again to begin with, but...
...Maybe that is just it. He knows the others appreciate what he, apparently, did for Dimitri - what they seem to consider largely a bigger deal than Grant can justify it as in his own mind. Certainly, he's glad that he could apparently help; especially now, seeing Dimitri as he can be when he's stable and not running on almost no sleep, loving him, Grant couldn't be more relieved to have been able to make any contribution to that. And obviously others who care about Dimitri would be glad it happened. Obviously it’d stand out in their minds, and if it is as big a deal to them as it seems to be-- then how can Grant himself possibly measure up to that single achievement?
Consciously, he knows that’s not the reason any of them choose to be around him now. It’s probably not the reason Sylvain showed interest in him, or agreed to date him. He probably didn’t jump the gun and agree to date Grant just because he felt like he owed him.
Grant can just barely shove a “not” into each of those thoughts as they crawl into his head, the frantic mental buzz of illogical thought and desperate, long-practiced correction a discordant but familiar partner to the sinking feeling in his chest.
He should not feel like this.
And he has to respond.]
I hope it can be some reassurance that the idea got across pretty well, at least as far as Dimitri
I’m not sure what I’ve done for the rest of you though, haha
no subject
Plus... I don't think any of us would have been willing to address our collective feelings if you hadn't sat us all down and told us it was okay to feel that way?
no subject
guess I hadn't thought of it like that
Mostly I figured it was probably kinda weird for you guys to have a guy hanging around who none of you even knew before getting here, ha
So. Thank you
I dunno, I think you guys would have worked things out eventually.
[Maybe faster, even, if he hadn't shown up as a suddenly-involved fifth wheel.]
But I appreciate the sentiment