We had a pretty good talk after he woke up. [Claude smiles slightly.] It started out...bleak, that's for sure, but it improved from there.
[He reaches over to lightly pat Orbeez, which is really just displacement activity.] The thing is...when the Indeedees were passing out secrets, I got one from Sylvain that meant a lot to me. It said 'you made my future something worth looking forward to'. And then, a couple days later, before I'd even talked to him about it...he went home. And when he came back, all that hope was dashed to a million pieces. I couldn't stand that - not just seeing him so miserable, but thinking I'd done something as meaningful as giving him hope and then it being stolen from him. So...I did my best to put it back. [He gives a half-shrug, a slight smile.] I don't think I necessarily eased all his fears, or totally smoothed the road, but...things were better by the time we finished talking. He was able to smile again, and mean it. Even if it's only a first step, that's not a bad day's work for how low he started.
[He squeezes Grant's hand.] But I'm worried about you right now. For one thing, and before anything else...that's not exactly the look of a man whose talk with Sylvain went as okay as mine did.
[Grant nods slightly at Claude's quick summary of the conversation - and, despite his worry as Claude gets into the details, and despite everything else... the conclusion is a huge relief. He actually smiles again, a momentary mirroring of Claude's expression. At least Claude could do something for Sylvain.
That smile wavers almost immediately, though. It's not like he expected Claude not to bring the conversation back around to Grant's own talk with Sylvain, and it is definitely for the best that he talk about it, but... oof.] Uh... n-no, not really. It wasn't bad, exactly... [He squeezes Claude's hand back, mentally reorienting himself before he tries again to explain.
He keeps his voice as light as he can manage, his eye fixing on the landscape ahead of them as if that will help.] Sylvain was concerned that since we didn't know each other all that well to begin with, and then he... went back for all that time, that he, uh... wasn't in a position to be a good partner to me. So he felt we should... put things on hold until we get to know each other better. So, y'know, it was-- very considerate of him.
[Yep. These are all true facts that he needs to make sure Claude knows, and now he'll see... how long he can keep it together while talking about it. Whoops.]
[Probably not long at all, because Claude stops dead, eyes going soft and sympathetic as though he's read a lot more of Grant's feelings into this factual breakdown of events than Grant actually let himself put in there. This is because he's fully capable of guessing at them. Especially with Grant's self-esteem being what it is.] Oh, Grant.
[He gently takes Orbeez out of Grant's hands, setting him down on the ground nearby. This is so he can turn Grant towards him and pull him into a hug.] I don't think that was necessarily a bad call, and I hope it'll mean a stronger relationship for you two down the line, but...I know that still must sting a lot. Especially right now, after you've been worrying about him, and with all these other concerns about our memories on top of everything...you don't have to act like you're doing just fine. It doesn't matter how much you understand his thinking, does it? It's still going to hurt. And I'll bet anything you didn't want to make him feel bad about it, so you didn't let any of it out around him, did you?
[Oh, yeah, nope. The second Claude looks at him like that, that wordless validation of Grant's feelings all on its own, Grant can feel his throat threatening to close up.
Whatever last chance he had of getting through this conversation without crying (this chance probably did not exist) vanishes the moment Claude hugs him, and Grant's next breath comes out painfully shaky. Properly burying himself in a hug is a little difficult at Grant’s size, but he finds himself trying without really thinking about it, hunching down slightly in a somewhat greater effort than usual to make himself smaller.]
He-- he's got enough to worry about as it is. And he still tried to... to make it as easy for me as possible, and I don't... I couldn't tell him it wasn't even a surprise. [He doesn't contradict anything Claude said, of course. He's completely right, and Grant doubts he could fool him even if he wanted to. Instead, he's just... talking, spilling out scattered thoughts that he couldn't tell Sylvain - that he can only tell Claude because it's clear his relationship with Sylvain is secure, that there's no risk of making him worry about where he stands.]
[Claude, for his part, does his best to pull Grant as deeply into his arms as possible. He can't will himself bigger, but he does his best to fake it to the best of his ability, with Grant's (sub?)conscious collusion in shrinking himself. Sometimes, you need to be held, and it's not easy to be the holder when you're a lot smaller but Claude isn't going to fail for lack of effort here.]
Hey, hey. [His voice is soft, soothing.] You don't have to defend him to me, okay? I know Sylvain's a sweet guy, and you're important to him. I'm sure he was as good as he could be to you. And he's not here. So he's not on trial, okay? What's important here is you and how you're feeling. Which is obviously not great. So how about we talk about that, if we're gonna talk about anything?
[He rubs a hand over Grant's back.] When Sylvain came back to us, after six months of being away...I wondered if how he'd feel for me had changed. He hadn't seen me in all that time, after all...and he'd been through a lot. Plus, you know me - always feeling like an outsider. I was lucky in that his feelings hadn't changed, so...I got reassured. But I bet you felt the same way as I did, for the same reasons...and you didn't. You got the opposite.
It sounds like his reasons weren't actually to do with his going home or being away from you, so much as a problem that had been there from early on that maybe he hadn't gotten around to addressing until now. But...the timing on it was awful, right? It might not be anyone's fault that it's awful, but you took that punch right in the stomach and you don't deserve to be hurting like this, Grant. Okay? I don't have to blame Sylvain to say that this shouldn't be happening to you.
I can tell you it's going to get better, and I know you know it's going to get better, but...you can just let yourself hurt right now, instead of pretending you're not. And Dimitri and I will be here to help, okay? So fall apart as much as you need to. We'll hold you together.
I-I know. I know you know it's n-not his fault-- [He's interrupted by a sob, despite his best efforts.] I couldn't... fuck, he comforted me more then than I could after-- after he woke up. Th-that's the thing.
[His hands shake a little as he lifts them to Claude's back, letting himself just... cling properly, trying to bury his face in Claude's shoulder while he nods minutely at Claude's summary of their similar fears, the differences in how things turned out.
...He does have to correct one bit, though, even if it's just by mumbling into Claude's shoulder.] It did... have to do with his going home. The problem was... it was there, already, but he said he figured we could figure it out along the way, but then, after... that, th-there was just too much... going on in his head. So, it wouldn't w-work.
[It... might be evident by now that he's just rambling a little bit, just letting thoughts fall out as they happen, which... well, on the bright side? He's being open about what's happening in his head. Which, so far, is a lot of disconnected thoughts that he will maybe, eventually, string together into a description of how he actually feels other than "bad".
In the meantime, he nods again, another sob pushing up from his chest.]
I know. And that's understandable. He has a lot of things to process, and trying to do that while also trying to build a relationship on shaky foundations would be a tall order. Starting over from the top will probably work out better, especially if Sylvain waits until he's back to being emotionally stable to try again. And I know you know all this, too. [His hand keeps rubbing slowly over Grant's back.] I'm just sorry it had to sting so much for you. Because how could it not, especially under the circumstances?
But the core of the matter is that Sylvain is still here with us. There will be chances for you two to try things again, and have them go better this time - and Sylvain wants those chances. And he cares about you. If there's anything Sylvain unfortunately excels in, it's blowing off people he's dating that he's not really interested in. But you mean something to him. Having a proper relationship with you means something to him. So hurt as much as you need to now, but know that there's definitely something good waiting at the other side of this.
[That's all he's really got left to say, at least for the moment - just a wobbly, tear-choked hum of agreement while he clings to Claude.
Or, well... almost all. He lets out a laugh that's almost more like another choked-back sob.] I just-- hope he doesn't change his mind. A-about trying again.
[Of course, there'd be no need to say that if Grant weren't... sort of terrified that exactly that is going to happen.]
I don't think he will, Grant. [Claude squeezes him slightly.] I mean, I can't speak for him, of course, but...you've got all the charms you had that originally attracted him, and we're all seeing more and more of your charm the more we get to know you and be around you. He's got no reason to become less interested in you over time, okay? I know you've got a low opinion of yourself, but remember that he already wanted to date you once. You demonstrably have things he's into. And you're going to keep spending time around him, so he's going to keep seeing all those things he likes about you. [He grins a little.] And he'll get to see me and Dimitri hogging all those things for ourselves in close proximity, too. I think there's a very good chance he'll definitely want another shot with you, once he's in a better place.
At least it's followed by actual words, for better or worse.] I don't... mean to be contrary, but if I don't say this I'm... just gonna keep thinking it anyway: He could also start seeing more things he doesn't like. 'N he wouldn't be the first person to-- to just lose interest.
[Another soft, sobbing laugh.] And, I mean, Sylvain is nothing like the guys I used to date, so I know I shouldn't... shouldn't expect things to end up the same, because he's better than that, but it-- it just ends up hurting more, because he's... so much better, and I know that and it affects h-how I feel-- [God, he's about to start sobbing in earnest again, isn't he. Great.] --But even knowing it I can't imagine him wanting to try again. I think it might be partly that-- y-you know how when you're upset about something, um, it's hard to imagine ever... feeling any other way? S-so it's hard to imagine the circumstances changing, so right now, I... know that one way or another I'll feel better about this, and I already feel better than I did when he told me, but right now it just feels like... he'll always want to stay apart and I'll never f-feel any better about it, and I'm talking... so much.
[He's just gonna... re-adjust so his face is buried in Claude's shoulder again, and just say a few more words, muffled once more:] Hate this. Feel like a... a stupid teenager.
[Claude makes a soft, sympathetic sound in his throat.] No, I know exactly what you mean. And probably there's nothing I can say that's gonna fix that, right? Because right now, like you said, it's hard to believe. You've just gotta give it time, and I can't just hand you that no matter how much I want to make things better for you.
But while that time passes...I'm here. And you can cry, or hold me, or talk it out, or all of it together, as much as you need.
[And with that, for once, Claude thinks it might be best to just be quiet for a bit while he holds Grant in his arms.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[He reaches over to lightly pat Orbeez, which is really just displacement activity.] The thing is...when the Indeedees were passing out secrets, I got one from Sylvain that meant a lot to me. It said 'you made my future something worth looking forward to'. And then, a couple days later, before I'd even talked to him about it...he went home. And when he came back, all that hope was dashed to a million pieces. I couldn't stand that - not just seeing him so miserable, but thinking I'd done something as meaningful as giving him hope and then it being stolen from him. So...I did my best to put it back. [He gives a half-shrug, a slight smile.] I don't think I necessarily eased all his fears, or totally smoothed the road, but...things were better by the time we finished talking. He was able to smile again, and mean it. Even if it's only a first step, that's not a bad day's work for how low he started.
[He squeezes Grant's hand.] But I'm worried about you right now. For one thing, and before anything else...that's not exactly the look of a man whose talk with Sylvain went as okay as mine did.
no subject
That smile wavers almost immediately, though. It's not like he expected Claude not to bring the conversation back around to Grant's own talk with Sylvain, and it is definitely for the best that he talk about it, but... oof.] Uh... n-no, not really. It wasn't bad, exactly... [He squeezes Claude's hand back, mentally reorienting himself before he tries again to explain.
He keeps his voice as light as he can manage, his eye fixing on the landscape ahead of them as if that will help.] Sylvain was concerned that since we didn't know each other all that well to begin with, and then he... went back for all that time, that he, uh... wasn't in a position to be a good partner to me. So he felt we should... put things on hold until we get to know each other better. So, y'know, it was-- very considerate of him.
[Yep. These are all true facts that he needs to make sure Claude knows, and now he'll see... how long he can keep it together while talking about it. Whoops.]
no subject
[He gently takes Orbeez out of Grant's hands, setting him down on the ground nearby. This is so he can turn Grant towards him and pull him into a hug.] I don't think that was necessarily a bad call, and I hope it'll mean a stronger relationship for you two down the line, but...I know that still must sting a lot. Especially right now, after you've been worrying about him, and with all these other concerns about our memories on top of everything...you don't have to act like you're doing just fine. It doesn't matter how much you understand his thinking, does it? It's still going to hurt. And I'll bet anything you didn't want to make him feel bad about it, so you didn't let any of it out around him, did you?
no subject
Whatever last chance he had of getting through this conversation without crying (this chance probably did not exist) vanishes the moment Claude hugs him, and Grant's next breath comes out painfully shaky. Properly burying himself in a hug is a little difficult at Grant’s size, but he finds himself trying without really thinking about it, hunching down slightly in a somewhat greater effort than usual to make himself smaller.]
He-- he's got enough to worry about as it is. And he still tried to... to make it as easy for me as possible, and I don't... I couldn't tell him it wasn't even a surprise. [He doesn't contradict anything Claude said, of course. He's completely right, and Grant doubts he could fool him even if he wanted to. Instead, he's just... talking, spilling out scattered thoughts that he couldn't tell Sylvain - that he can only tell Claude because it's clear his relationship with Sylvain is secure, that there's no risk of making him worry about where he stands.]
no subject
Hey, hey. [His voice is soft, soothing.] You don't have to defend him to me, okay? I know Sylvain's a sweet guy, and you're important to him. I'm sure he was as good as he could be to you. And he's not here. So he's not on trial, okay? What's important here is you and how you're feeling. Which is obviously not great. So how about we talk about that, if we're gonna talk about anything?
[He rubs a hand over Grant's back.] When Sylvain came back to us, after six months of being away...I wondered if how he'd feel for me had changed. He hadn't seen me in all that time, after all...and he'd been through a lot. Plus, you know me - always feeling like an outsider. I was lucky in that his feelings hadn't changed, so...I got reassured. But I bet you felt the same way as I did, for the same reasons...and you didn't. You got the opposite.
It sounds like his reasons weren't actually to do with his going home or being away from you, so much as a problem that had been there from early on that maybe he hadn't gotten around to addressing until now. But...the timing on it was awful, right? It might not be anyone's fault that it's awful, but you took that punch right in the stomach and you don't deserve to be hurting like this, Grant. Okay? I don't have to blame Sylvain to say that this shouldn't be happening to you.
I can tell you it's going to get better, and I know you know it's going to get better, but...you can just let yourself hurt right now, instead of pretending you're not. And Dimitri and I will be here to help, okay? So fall apart as much as you need to. We'll hold you together.
no subject
[His hands shake a little as he lifts them to Claude's back, letting himself just... cling properly, trying to bury his face in Claude's shoulder while he nods minutely at Claude's summary of their similar fears, the differences in how things turned out.
...He does have to correct one bit, though, even if it's just by mumbling into Claude's shoulder.] It did... have to do with his going home. The problem was... it was there, already, but he said he figured we could figure it out along the way, but then, after... that, th-there was just too much... going on in his head. So, it wouldn't w-work.
[It... might be evident by now that he's just rambling a little bit, just letting thoughts fall out as they happen, which... well, on the bright side? He's being open about what's happening in his head. Which, so far, is a lot of disconnected thoughts that he will maybe, eventually, string together into a description of how he actually feels other than "bad".
In the meantime, he nods again, another sob pushing up from his chest.]
no subject
But the core of the matter is that Sylvain is still here with us. There will be chances for you two to try things again, and have them go better this time - and Sylvain wants those chances. And he cares about you. If there's anything Sylvain unfortunately excels in, it's blowing off people he's dating that he's not really interested in. But you mean something to him. Having a proper relationship with you means something to him. So hurt as much as you need to now, but know that there's definitely something good waiting at the other side of this.
no subject
[That's all he's really got left to say, at least for the moment - just a wobbly, tear-choked hum of agreement while he clings to Claude.
Or, well... almost all. He lets out a laugh that's almost more like another choked-back sob.] I just-- hope he doesn't change his mind. A-about trying again.
[Of course, there'd be no need to say that if Grant weren't... sort of terrified that exactly that is going to happen.]
no subject
no subject
At least it's followed by actual words, for better or worse.] I don't... mean to be contrary, but if I don't say this I'm... just gonna keep thinking it anyway: He could also start seeing more things he doesn't like. 'N he wouldn't be the first person to-- to just lose interest.
[Another soft, sobbing laugh.] And, I mean, Sylvain is nothing like the guys I used to date, so I know I shouldn't... shouldn't expect things to end up the same, because he's better than that, but it-- it just ends up hurting more, because he's... so much better, and I know that and it affects h-how I feel-- [God, he's about to start sobbing in earnest again, isn't he. Great.] --But even knowing it I can't imagine him wanting to try again. I think it might be partly that-- y-you know how when you're upset about something, um, it's hard to imagine ever... feeling any other way? S-so it's hard to imagine the circumstances changing, so right now, I... know that one way or another I'll feel better about this, and I already feel better than I did when he told me, but right now it just feels like... he'll always want to stay apart and I'll never f-feel any better about it, and I'm talking... so much.
[He's just gonna... re-adjust so his face is buried in Claude's shoulder again, and just say a few more words, muffled once more:] Hate this. Feel like a... a stupid teenager.
no subject
But while that time passes...I'm here. And you can cry, or hold me, or talk it out, or all of it together, as much as you need.
[And with that, for once, Claude thinks it might be best to just be quiet for a bit while he holds Grant in his arms.]