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[victory road] IC CONTACT
[For private communication, Pokegear or otherwise!]
[Grant snorts quietly, raising an eyebrow.] Guess that's one way to put it.
[His expression goes somber again, at the rest of what Felix says, and he presses his lips together for a moment as he considers how to answer.] Mm... yeah, that sounds like them. As for what-- I know I said I can't get into it now, but I've been talking to them about going ahead and telling everyone, with them there. So... I can at least say we might be clearing things up soon.
Believe it or not, it's not the first time it's happened... [He trails off in another moment of thought before asking,] Can I ask why you ran away?
[His expression goes somber again, at the rest of what Felix says, and he presses his lips together for a moment as he considers how to answer.] Mm... yeah, that sounds like them. As for what-- I know I said I can't get into it now, but I've been talking to them about going ahead and telling everyone, with them there. So... I can at least say we might be clearing things up soon.
Believe it or not, it's not the first time it's happened... [He trails off in another moment of thought before asking,] Can I ask why you ran away?
What do you mean, can you ask? You just did.
[He pauses to put away the wand toy and release Oghma the Glaceon instead, so he and Pan can run off and entertain themselves. That done, he slips his hands into his pockets and fixes his gaze on something random.]
You might recall when I told you that after the Tragedy of Duscur, my father left our territory for the capital to take care of Dimitri. And insisted that I stay at home. I hadn't seen Dimitri at all since before Duscur. All I knew was that he'd been badly injured, and my old man wouldn't let me see him.
[He shrugs, like it's no big deal.] My uncle was...inattentive. So one night I took a horse from the stables and set out for Fhirdiad on my own. I thought about going to Gautier first and asking Sylvain to come with me, but it would have taken much longer. I wasn't a very good rider and didn't know enough to erase the tracks in the snow, so once the overnight staff told my uncle I was gone, it didn't take him that long to find me.
[And his uncle chastised him for being irresponsible, and he cried the whole way back to Fraldarius demanding to see Dimitri and getting ignored. Ugh. Felix's jaw clenches just thinking about it.]
He told my father, of course, who returned for a few days to lecture me about how with my brother gone it was my responsibility to stay and learn how to govern the territory while Dimitri recovered.
[Never mind that Felix was thirteen and alone, and had lost his brother and nearly his best friend mere months ago only to have his father tell him that it was such a glorious sacrifice.]
[He pauses to put away the wand toy and release Oghma the Glaceon instead, so he and Pan can run off and entertain themselves. That done, he slips his hands into his pockets and fixes his gaze on something random.]
You might recall when I told you that after the Tragedy of Duscur, my father left our territory for the capital to take care of Dimitri. And insisted that I stay at home. I hadn't seen Dimitri at all since before Duscur. All I knew was that he'd been badly injured, and my old man wouldn't let me see him.
[He shrugs, like it's no big deal.] My uncle was...inattentive. So one night I took a horse from the stables and set out for Fhirdiad on my own. I thought about going to Gautier first and asking Sylvain to come with me, but it would have taken much longer. I wasn't a very good rider and didn't know enough to erase the tracks in the snow, so once the overnight staff told my uncle I was gone, it didn't take him that long to find me.
[And his uncle chastised him for being irresponsible, and he cried the whole way back to Fraldarius demanding to see Dimitri and getting ignored. Ugh. Felix's jaw clenches just thinking about it.]
He told my father, of course, who returned for a few days to lecture me about how with my brother gone it was my responsibility to stay and learn how to govern the territory while Dimitri recovered.
[Never mind that Felix was thirteen and alone, and had lost his brother and nearly his best friend mere months ago only to have his father tell him that it was such a glorious sacrifice.]
[Well, there's that ever-familiar impulse never to talk again.]
It's... you know what I meant. [That's barely more than a mumble, but at least he got it out. And now he can listen.
Grant's brow creases, slowly, as Felix describes that whole... sequence of events. Holy shit.] That's... awful. It seriously didn't occur to either of them to just bring you to see him?
It's... you know what I meant. [That's barely more than a mumble, but at least he got it out. And now he can listen.
Grant's brow creases, slowly, as Felix describes that whole... sequence of events. Holy shit.] That's... awful. It seriously didn't occur to either of them to just bring you to see him?
I'm sure it did. There must have been a reason my father didn't want me to. It was probably something about protecting Dimitri.
[Is there just a faint tinge of bitterness in that last part? Maybe.]
[Is there just a faint tinge of bitterness in that last part? Maybe.]
[Felix scowls, though not at Grant.]
Who knows. Maybe he really did believe my 'place' was back in Fraldarius. But I think he knew Dimitri was unstable and didn't want to risk...whatever he thought would happen.
[And decided it was his responsibility to look after Dimitri personally, apparently, which was more important than his own son. Well, of course. Dimitri was the prince. His well-being trumps everyone else's. Including--or especially--a Fraldarius.]
Who knows. Maybe he really did believe my 'place' was back in Fraldarius. But I think he knew Dimitri was unstable and didn't want to risk...whatever he thought would happen.
[And decided it was his responsibility to look after Dimitri personally, apparently, which was more important than his own son. Well, of course. Dimitri was the prince. His well-being trumps everyone else's. Including--or especially--a Fraldarius.]
I
guess I hadn't thought of it like that
Mostly I figured it was probably kinda weird for you guys to have a guy hanging around who none of you even knew before getting here, ha
So. Thank you
I dunno, I think you guys would have worked things out eventually.
[Maybe faster, even, if he hadn't shown up as a suddenly-involved fifth wheel.]
But I appreciate the sentiment
guess I hadn't thought of it like that
Mostly I figured it was probably kinda weird for you guys to have a guy hanging around who none of you even knew before getting here, ha
So. Thank you
I dunno, I think you guys would have worked things out eventually.
[Maybe faster, even, if he hadn't shown up as a suddenly-involved fifth wheel.]
But I appreciate the sentiment
Jesus.
[He guesses he can see the concerns about Dimitri being unstable, given... everything he knows about what happens when Dimitri is unstable. But, all the same...] And that was supposed to be worth leaving you basically on your own after what happened, huh.
[There is, in one of those rare moments where he can't (or maybe doesn't want to) smooth over his own feelings, no disguising the distaste in his voice and expression. Maybe it's easier since Felix clearly feels similarly, but... well, he can't claim this isn't a little bit personal.]
[He guesses he can see the concerns about Dimitri being unstable, given... everything he knows about what happens when Dimitri is unstable. But, all the same...] And that was supposed to be worth leaving you basically on your own after what happened, huh.
[There is, in one of those rare moments where he can't (or maybe doesn't want to) smooth over his own feelings, no disguising the distaste in his voice and expression. Maybe it's easier since Felix clearly feels similarly, but... well, he can't claim this isn't a little bit personal.]
Hmph. Those were always my old man's priorities. King and country. Tradition. Honor. Chivalry. All more important than his own family.
[Felix scowls and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a moment. He means everything he's saying, of course. He's meant it for a long time--but that's what he's uncertain about, now. Is this really still all he feels after everything, or is this just an emotional groove he's worn into his heart that's hard to pull himself out of? It's so much easier to focus on - and express - his anger and resentment than on everything else. He sighs, sharp.]
I...suppose I'm being a little uncharitable.
[Felix scowls and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a moment. He means everything he's saying, of course. He's meant it for a long time--but that's what he's uncertain about, now. Is this really still all he feels after everything, or is this just an emotional groove he's worn into his heart that's hard to pull himself out of? It's so much easier to focus on - and express - his anger and resentment than on everything else. He sighs, sharp.]
I...suppose I'm being a little uncharitable.
[Weird. That might be the first time Grant's heard Felix admit that he might be being unfair about something.
And yet:] Hmm. I'm in no position to say if you are, but I do think sometimes being a little "uncharitable" is justified. His priorities screwed you over, and you've got every right to be bothered by that.
And yet:] Hmm. I'm in no position to say if you are, but I do think sometimes being a little "uncharitable" is justified. His priorities screwed you over, and you've got every right to be bothered by that.
[Felix glances at Grant in mild surprise.]
Hm. You're right. But...
[But Rodrigue was the only real family Felix had left. And he'd thought maybe, once the war was over, they could at least reach some kind of equilibrium that would allow them to be in the same room for more than five minutes without Felix storming out, even if only so that his transition to taking up his father's title eventually would be smooth.
And he wouldn't feel so unreasonably angry about Rodrigue dying in Dimitri's arms without even calling for him if he hadn't, on some level, wanted to reconcile.]
Mm. Doesn't matter. He's dead, there's no point in wallowing in self-pity over it.
Hm. You're right. But...
[But Rodrigue was the only real family Felix had left. And he'd thought maybe, once the war was over, they could at least reach some kind of equilibrium that would allow them to be in the same room for more than five minutes without Felix storming out, even if only so that his transition to taking up his father's title eventually would be smooth.
And he wouldn't feel so unreasonably angry about Rodrigue dying in Dimitri's arms without even calling for him if he hadn't, on some level, wanted to reconcile.]
Mm. Doesn't matter. He's dead, there's no point in wallowing in self-pity over it.
Guess so. But there's a difference between wallowing in self-pity and acknowledging how something's affected you.
[He won't push that, though. Instead, he'll just hope Felix takes that into consideration, and in the meantime Grant will take the risk of... actually mentioning something about himself for once.] I mean, I'm probably never going to see my own dad, assuming he's still alive - but I still feel pretty secure in being pissed at him.
[He won't push that, though. Instead, he'll just hope Felix takes that into consideration, and in the meantime Grant will take the risk of... actually mentioning something about himself for once.] I mean, I'm probably never going to see my own dad, assuming he's still alive - but I still feel pretty secure in being pissed at him.
[While that may be true, Felix intends to acknowledge it only in his own mind, if he can get away with it. From now on, anyway; it's too late to take back everything he said to Claude on the subject. He's not sure he'd want to, anyway.]
I remember. You said he left you and your mother at some point.
I remember. You said he left you and your mother at some point.
[Grant gives a slight nod, pressing his lips together. Normally, he'd be a little hesitant to get right into this, but... well, he seems to have had the most luck chatting with Felix when they're complaining.]
Mm-hm. Less than, uh, a month after I was born. [He snorts quietly.] Just after the first full moon, actually.
Mm-hm. Less than, uh, a month after I was born. [He snorts quietly.] Just after the first full moon, actually.
I see. Regardless of the fact that an infant couldn't possibly be a threat to him, or anyone, even if he did believe the rumors were true. [Felix scoffs.] Coward.
Yyyep. If I want to try and be "fair" to him, I could say, I don't know if he was afraid of me so much as he was overwhelmed by the pressures and extra work involved in raising a kid with lycanthropy - which are very real. And deciding that he wasn't up to it was his choice to make.
[He hisses through his teeth, making a face for a moment.] Then I could remember that he definitely knew my mom was a carrier, and then when he bolted anyway she had to do all that extra work herself. So, y'know. It's my choice to consider him an asshole.
[He hisses through his teeth, making a face for a moment.] Then I could remember that he definitely knew my mom was a carrier, and then when he bolted anyway she had to do all that extra work herself. So, y'know. It's my choice to consider him an asshole.
Edited 2021-03-30 01:23 (UTC)
Tch. I don't know what's worse, leaving your child out of some misplaced sense of duty, or doing it because you're too lazy and callous to accept the consequences of your actions. Not that it matters. No excuse is sufficient.
[To say nothing of doing it out of grief, to raise the son of the man you loved but couldn't have instead. Ugh.]
[To say nothing of doing it out of grief, to raise the son of the man you loved but couldn't have instead. Ugh.]
Edited 2021-03-30 01:32 (UTC)
Yeah... I think you about got it, there. They both suck.
[Ugh.
Grant lets out a quiet sigh, because... talking about dads is sort of exhausting?
And then he remembers there's another potentially exhausting thing he should still bring up.
His hesitation doubtless shows on his face for a moment as he considers whether to speak up. But... he'll have to say something sometime, right?]
Actually, while we're here, could I... ask you about a note I got from the Indeedee? You don't have to... tell me whether it's you, if you don't want to.
[Ugh.
Grant lets out a quiet sigh, because... talking about dads is sort of exhausting?
And then he remembers there's another potentially exhausting thing he should still bring up.
His hesitation doubtless shows on his face for a moment as he considers whether to speak up. But... he'll have to say something sometime, right?]
Actually, while we're here, could I... ask you about a note I got from the Indeedee? You don't have to... tell me whether it's you, if you don't want to.
I-I know. I know you know it's n-not his fault-- [He's interrupted by a sob, despite his best efforts.] I couldn't... fuck, he comforted me more then than I could after-- after he woke up. Th-that's the thing.
[His hands shake a little as he lifts them to Claude's back, letting himself just... cling properly, trying to bury his face in Claude's shoulder while he nods minutely at Claude's summary of their similar fears, the differences in how things turned out.
...He does have to correct one bit, though, even if it's just by mumbling into Claude's shoulder.] It did... have to do with his going home. The problem was... it was there, already, but he said he figured we could figure it out along the way, but then, after... that, th-there was just too much... going on in his head. So, it wouldn't w-work.
[It... might be evident by now that he's just rambling a little bit, just letting thoughts fall out as they happen, which... well, on the bright side? He's being open about what's happening in his head. Which, so far, is a lot of disconnected thoughts that he will maybe, eventually, string together into a description of how he actually feels other than "bad".
In the meantime, he nods again, another sob pushing up from his chest.]
[His hands shake a little as he lifts them to Claude's back, letting himself just... cling properly, trying to bury his face in Claude's shoulder while he nods minutely at Claude's summary of their similar fears, the differences in how things turned out.
...He does have to correct one bit, though, even if it's just by mumbling into Claude's shoulder.] It did... have to do with his going home. The problem was... it was there, already, but he said he figured we could figure it out along the way, but then, after... that, th-there was just too much... going on in his head. So, it wouldn't w-work.
[It... might be evident by now that he's just rambling a little bit, just letting thoughts fall out as they happen, which... well, on the bright side? He's being open about what's happening in his head. Which, so far, is a lot of disconnected thoughts that he will maybe, eventually, string together into a description of how he actually feels other than "bad".
In the meantime, he nods again, another sob pushing up from his chest.]
[Felix glances at Grant sidelong. Great. He has no idea what kind of thing the Indeedee dug out of his head and he doesn't really want to know, but he supposes he asked Grant about Chip's so it's only fair.
Tch. And Dimitri tries to insist that Indeedee aren't sadistic menaces.]
Saying I don't have to tell you is meaningless. If I refuse, that's confirmation anyway. And I would be a coward not to stand by my own words. So go ahead.
Tch. And Dimitri tries to insist that Indeedee aren't sadistic menaces.]
Saying I don't have to tell you is meaningless. If I refuse, that's confirmation anyway. And I would be a coward not to stand by my own words. So go ahead.
Edited 2021-03-31 02:28 (UTC)
[Grant... would like to say something about how, technically, refusing to answer could also be a matter of knowing whose secret it was and not wanting to give it away, or simply not wanting to narrow the pool of options unless the person chose to come forward themself, but he doubts Felix would appreciate him getting into that. So, instead, he'll just settle for:] ...It's not. Anyway, I dunno that I'd consider something you didn't choose to say to be "your words"...
[Anyway.
This is the hard part.]
I got a note that... roughly speaking, said that this person... uh, wished I weren’t a good person because it would be “easier” to hate me. But that “someone like me” was… was what Dimitri deserved? [His brow furrows slightly as he says that, and he taps his foot uncomfortably a couple times. He said that it was a rough approximation of what the card said, but, truth be told, he’s read over that thing a lot, as if trying to find… any more possible meaning in it. Anything to mean he should be either more or less worried about it, instead of this… weird awkward state of almost-fear.]
[Anyway.
This is the hard part.]
I got a note that... roughly speaking, said that this person... uh, wished I weren’t a good person because it would be “easier” to hate me. But that “someone like me” was… was what Dimitri deserved? [His brow furrows slightly as he says that, and he taps his foot uncomfortably a couple times. He said that it was a rough approximation of what the card said, but, truth be told, he’s read over that thing a lot, as if trying to find… any more possible meaning in it. Anything to mean he should be either more or less worried about it, instead of this… weird awkward state of almost-fear.]
...oh. Yes, that does sound like something I've thought.
[But there's no question here. If Grant wasn't after getting confirmation that it was from Felix, then what is he after?]
What about it?
[But there's no question here. If Grant wasn't after getting confirmation that it was from Felix, then what is he after?]
What about it?
[Oh. Well that was straightforward. That's... that's cool and neat.
Grant shifts in place, hoping Felix can't tell how his stomach just dropped. There was, obviously, a fair bit of information in that card, two-thirds of it positive. But, of course, it was that last third that Grant hasn't been able to stop thinking about.]
If you... want to hate me, then... I mean, why?
[He presses his lips together, keeping himself from saying anything else, like "what did I do", that Felix might consider a waste of time.]
Grant shifts in place, hoping Felix can't tell how his stomach just dropped. There was, obviously, a fair bit of information in that card, two-thirds of it positive. But, of course, it was that last third that Grant hasn't been able to stop thinking about.]
If you... want to hate me, then... I mean, why?
[He presses his lips together, keeping himself from saying anything else, like "what did I do", that Felix might consider a waste of time.]
[Felix is, as usual, not making eye contact, so he doesn't notice anything changing in Grant's mood or demeanor. He frowns, hands stuffed into his pockets.]
I don't want to hate you. It would just...be easier if you were the kind of person I could hate. But you're not, so stop worrying about it. Why do you care what I think of you, anyway?
I don't want to hate you. It would just...be easier if you were the kind of person I could hate. But you're not, so stop worrying about it. Why do you care what I think of you, anyway?
I guess I don't really... see how that's different. [He can't exactly make any promises about worrying. He also can't really explain how... tenuous the idea of being "the kind of person" Felix can't hate really feels.
As for why he cares: God, he hopes this doesn't go over weird.] I mean, I... like you? And Dimitri and Sylvain and Claude love you. And... Chip really looks up to you. So... why wouldn't I care?
As for why he cares: God, he hopes this doesn't go over weird.] I mean, I... like you? And Dimitri and Sylvain and Claude love you. And... Chip really looks up to you. So... why wouldn't I care?
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