Hmph. So they take after you, taking responsibility for things they shouldn't.
[Felix doesn't care to pry into whatever causes it for Chip; if he needs to know, someone will tell him. Although now that he thinks about it, one of the cards he received on Valentine's Day was almost certainly from Chip. Hm. As for the rest...lashing out to push people past their limits and goad them into a reaction. He knows that feeling, that overwhelming frustration.]
I see. Perhaps that explains one of the secrets I received from the Indeedee. Something about how I 'wouldn't wait if I knew' and not wanting me to find out. About what, I have no idea.
...there was a time when I acted the same way, for different reasons. The secret wasn't my own, but the end result was similar. I attempted to flee my home once, as well, as a child. Although you're nothing like my father, so I don't see why Chip would flee from you.
[Grant snorts quietly, raising an eyebrow.] Guess that's one way to put it.
[His expression goes somber again, at the rest of what Felix says, and he presses his lips together for a moment as he considers how to answer.] Mm... yeah, that sounds like them. As for what-- I know I said I can't get into it now, but I've been talking to them about going ahead and telling everyone, with them there. So... I can at least say we might be clearing things up soon.
Believe it or not, it's not the first time it's happened... [He trails off in another moment of thought before asking,] Can I ask why you ran away?
[He pauses to put away the wand toy and release Oghma the Glaceon instead, so he and Pan can run off and entertain themselves. That done, he slips his hands into his pockets and fixes his gaze on something random.]
You might recall when I told you that after the Tragedy of Duscur, my father left our territory for the capital to take care of Dimitri. And insisted that I stay at home. I hadn't seen Dimitri at all since before Duscur. All I knew was that he'd been badly injured, and my old man wouldn't let me see him.
[He shrugs, like it's no big deal.] My uncle was...inattentive. So one night I took a horse from the stables and set out for Fhirdiad on my own. I thought about going to Gautier first and asking Sylvain to come with me, but it would have taken much longer. I wasn't a very good rider and didn't know enough to erase the tracks in the snow, so once the overnight staff told my uncle I was gone, it didn't take him that long to find me.
[And his uncle chastised him for being irresponsible, and he cried the whole way back to Fraldarius demanding to see Dimitri and getting ignored. Ugh. Felix's jaw clenches just thinking about it.]
He told my father, of course, who returned for a few days to lecture me about how with my brother gone it was my responsibility to stay and learn how to govern the territory while Dimitri recovered.
[Never mind that Felix was thirteen and alone, and had lost his brother and nearly his best friend mere months ago only to have his father tell him that it was such a glorious sacrifice.]
[Well, there's that ever-familiar impulse never to talk again.]
It's... you know what I meant. [That's barely more than a mumble, but at least he got it out. And now he can listen.
Grant's brow creases, slowly, as Felix describes that whole... sequence of events. Holy shit.] That's... awful. It seriously didn't occur to either of them to just bring you to see him?
Who knows. Maybe he really did believe my 'place' was back in Fraldarius. But I think he knew Dimitri was unstable and didn't want to risk...whatever he thought would happen.
[And decided it was his responsibility to look after Dimitri personally, apparently, which was more important than his own son. Well, of course. Dimitri was the prince. His well-being trumps everyone else's. Including--or especially--a Fraldarius.]
[He guesses he can see the concerns about Dimitri being unstable, given... everything he knows about what happens when Dimitri is unstable. But, all the same...] And that was supposed to be worth leaving you basically on your own after what happened, huh.
[There is, in one of those rare moments where he can't (or maybe doesn't want to) smooth over his own feelings, no disguising the distaste in his voice and expression. Maybe it's easier since Felix clearly feels similarly, but... well, he can't claim this isn't a little bit personal.]
Hmph. Those were always my old man's priorities. King and country. Tradition. Honor. Chivalry. All more important than his own family.
[Felix scowls and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a moment. He means everything he's saying, of course. He's meant it for a long time--but that's what he's uncertain about, now. Is this really still all he feels after everything, or is this just an emotional groove he's worn into his heart that's hard to pull himself out of? It's so much easier to focus on - and express - his anger and resentment than on everything else. He sighs, sharp.]
[Weird. That might be the first time Grant's heard Felix admit that he might be being unfair about something.
And yet:] Hmm. I'm in no position to say if you are, but I do think sometimes being a little "uncharitable" is justified. His priorities screwed you over, and you've got every right to be bothered by that.
[But Rodrigue was the only real family Felix had left. And he'd thought maybe, once the war was over, they could at least reach some kind of equilibrium that would allow them to be in the same room for more than five minutes without Felix storming out, even if only so that his transition to taking up his father's title eventually would be smooth.
And he wouldn't feel so unreasonably angry about Rodrigue dying in Dimitri's arms without even calling for him if he hadn't, on some level, wanted to reconcile.]
Mm. Doesn't matter. He's dead, there's no point in wallowing in self-pity over it.
Guess so. But there's a difference between wallowing in self-pity and acknowledging how something's affected you.
[He won't push that, though. Instead, he'll just hope Felix takes that into consideration, and in the meantime Grant will take the risk of... actually mentioning something about himself for once.] I mean, I'm probably never going to see my own dad, assuming he's still alive - but I still feel pretty secure in being pissed at him.
[While that may be true, Felix intends to acknowledge it only in his own mind, if he can get away with it. From now on, anyway; it's too late to take back everything he said to Claude on the subject. He's not sure he'd want to, anyway.]
I remember. You said he left you and your mother at some point.
[Grant gives a slight nod, pressing his lips together. Normally, he'd be a little hesitant to get right into this, but... well, he seems to have had the most luck chatting with Felix when they're complaining.]
Mm-hm. Less than, uh, a month after I was born. [He snorts quietly.] Just after the first full moon, actually.
I see. Regardless of the fact that an infant couldn't possibly be a threat to him, or anyone, even if he did believe the rumors were true. [Felix scoffs.] Coward.
Yyyep. If I want to try and be "fair" to him, I could say, I don't know if he was afraid of me so much as he was overwhelmed by the pressures and extra work involved in raising a kid with lycanthropy - which are very real. And deciding that he wasn't up to it was his choice to make.
[He hisses through his teeth, making a face for a moment.] Then I could remember that he definitely knew my mom was a carrier, and then when he bolted anyway she had to do all that extra work herself. So, y'know. It's my choice to consider him an asshole.
Tch. I don't know what's worse, leaving your child out of some misplaced sense of duty, or doing it because you're too lazy and callous to accept the consequences of your actions. Not that it matters. No excuse is sufficient.
[To say nothing of doing it out of grief, to raise the son of the man you loved but couldn't have instead. Ugh.]
Yeah... I think you about got it, there. They both suck.
[Ugh.
Grant lets out a quiet sigh, because... talking about dads is sort of exhausting?
And then he remembers there's another potentially exhausting thing he should still bring up.
His hesitation doubtless shows on his face for a moment as he considers whether to speak up. But... he'll have to say something sometime, right?]
Actually, while we're here, could I... ask you about a note I got from the Indeedee? You don't have to... tell me whether it's you, if you don't want to.
[Felix glances at Grant sidelong. Great. He has no idea what kind of thing the Indeedee dug out of his head and he doesn't really want to know, but he supposes he asked Grant about Chip's so it's only fair.
Tch. And Dimitri tries to insist that Indeedee aren't sadistic menaces.]
Saying I don't have to tell you is meaningless. If I refuse, that's confirmation anyway. And I would be a coward not to stand by my own words. So go ahead.
[Grant... would like to say something about how, technically, refusing to answer could also be a matter of knowing whose secret it was and not wanting to give it away, or simply not wanting to narrow the pool of options unless the person chose to come forward themself, but he doubts Felix would appreciate him getting into that. So, instead, he'll just settle for:] ...It's not. Anyway, I dunno that I'd consider something you didn't choose to say to be "your words"...
[Anyway.
This is the hard part.]
I got a note that... roughly speaking, said that this person... uh, wished I weren’t a good person because it would be “easier” to hate me. But that “someone like me” was… was what Dimitri deserved? [His brow furrows slightly as he says that, and he taps his foot uncomfortably a couple times. He said that it was a rough approximation of what the card said, but, truth be told, he’s read over that thing a lot, as if trying to find… any more possible meaning in it. Anything to mean he should be either more or less worried about it, instead of this… weird awkward state of almost-fear.]
[Oh. Well that was straightforward. That's... that's cool and neat.
Grant shifts in place, hoping Felix can't tell how his stomach just dropped. There was, obviously, a fair bit of information in that card, two-thirds of it positive. But, of course, it was that last third that Grant hasn't been able to stop thinking about.]
If you... want to hate me, then... I mean, why?
[He presses his lips together, keeping himself from saying anything else, like "what did I do", that Felix might consider a waste of time.]
[Felix is, as usual, not making eye contact, so he doesn't notice anything changing in Grant's mood or demeanor. He frowns, hands stuffed into his pockets.]
I don't want to hate you. It would just...be easier if you were the kind of person I could hate. But you're not, so stop worrying about it. Why do you care what I think of you, anyway?
I guess I don't really... see how that's different. [He can't exactly make any promises about worrying. He also can't really explain how... tenuous the idea of being "the kind of person" Felix can't hate really feels.
As for why he cares: God, he hopes this doesn't go over weird.] I mean, I... like you? And Dimitri and Sylvain and Claude love you. And... Chip really looks up to you. So... why wouldn't I care?
[Chip really looks up to you. Felicity said the same thing, and Felix isn't sure how to feel about it. He doesn't want to be some...role model, some aspirational figure. And maybe that's not even what they mean by it, but still, the thought feels strange.
Those blasted Indeedee...why couldn't they keep their stupid intrusive psychic powers to themselves? How is he supposed to explain to Grant the complicated mess that is his feelings about Dimitri when he doesn't fully understand it himself? Not to mention that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Five years ago, maybe even six months ago, he would simply have told Grant to mind his own business and walked away. But here, he's made himself vulnerable, and conversations like this--and giving a shit about how they go--is a consequence of that. Just like Seteth, Grant's gone to all this trouble to connect with him, so...maybe he should make an effort, too.]
...look. My history with Dimitri is...complicated. I don't know what he's told you, and I don't really care. The point is, you're the kind of person Dimitri should have had by his side a long time ago, but didn't. And when you first...expressed interest in him, and I saw how much better he was after spending all that time with you, I couldn't believe some stranger did what none of us ever could.
[He pauses, not particularly wanting to get into the rest, but having trouble figuring out how to fully explain without it.]
During the war, nothing we did worked to pull him out of that madness. It was my father's death that first woke him up. Seeing that all it took for you was a few months of wandering around...I was furious. Maybe I did want to hate you then, but I couldn't, because you were so good to Dimitri. Good for him.
Obviously, you're not a stranger anymore, and now I understand you and this place better, and I know the two situations aren't comparable at all. That understanding doesn't just erase my emotions, though. And I despise wrestling with them.
So yes, it would be easier for me if I could hate you, but I can't and I don't.
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[Felix doesn't care to pry into whatever causes it for Chip; if he needs to know, someone will tell him. Although now that he thinks about it, one of the cards he received on Valentine's Day was almost certainly from Chip. Hm. As for the rest...lashing out to push people past their limits and goad them into a reaction. He knows that feeling, that overwhelming frustration.]
I see. Perhaps that explains one of the secrets I received from the Indeedee. Something about how I 'wouldn't wait if I knew' and not wanting me to find out. About what, I have no idea.
...there was a time when I acted the same way, for different reasons. The secret wasn't my own, but the end result was similar. I attempted to flee my home once, as well, as a child. Although you're nothing like my father, so I don't see why Chip would flee from you.
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[His expression goes somber again, at the rest of what Felix says, and he presses his lips together for a moment as he considers how to answer.] Mm... yeah, that sounds like them. As for what-- I know I said I can't get into it now, but I've been talking to them about going ahead and telling everyone, with them there. So... I can at least say we might be clearing things up soon.
Believe it or not, it's not the first time it's happened... [He trails off in another moment of thought before asking,] Can I ask why you ran away?
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[He pauses to put away the wand toy and release Oghma the Glaceon instead, so he and Pan can run off and entertain themselves. That done, he slips his hands into his pockets and fixes his gaze on something random.]
You might recall when I told you that after the Tragedy of Duscur, my father left our territory for the capital to take care of Dimitri. And insisted that I stay at home. I hadn't seen Dimitri at all since before Duscur. All I knew was that he'd been badly injured, and my old man wouldn't let me see him.
[He shrugs, like it's no big deal.] My uncle was...inattentive. So one night I took a horse from the stables and set out for Fhirdiad on my own. I thought about going to Gautier first and asking Sylvain to come with me, but it would have taken much longer. I wasn't a very good rider and didn't know enough to erase the tracks in the snow, so once the overnight staff told my uncle I was gone, it didn't take him that long to find me.
[And his uncle chastised him for being irresponsible, and he cried the whole way back to Fraldarius demanding to see Dimitri and getting ignored. Ugh. Felix's jaw clenches just thinking about it.]
He told my father, of course, who returned for a few days to lecture me about how with my brother gone it was my responsibility to stay and learn how to govern the territory while Dimitri recovered.
[Never mind that Felix was thirteen and alone, and had lost his brother and nearly his best friend mere months ago only to have his father tell him that it was such a glorious sacrifice.]
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It's... you know what I meant. [That's barely more than a mumble, but at least he got it out. And now he can listen.
Grant's brow creases, slowly, as Felix describes that whole... sequence of events. Holy shit.] That's... awful. It seriously didn't occur to either of them to just bring you to see him?
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[Is there just a faint tinge of bitterness in that last part? Maybe.]
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Why... would that involve keeping you away?
[It sounds to Grant like it would be the best for both of them if they saw each other... right?]
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Who knows. Maybe he really did believe my 'place' was back in Fraldarius. But I think he knew Dimitri was unstable and didn't want to risk...whatever he thought would happen.
[And decided it was his responsibility to look after Dimitri personally, apparently, which was more important than his own son. Well, of course. Dimitri was the prince. His well-being trumps everyone else's. Including--or especially--a Fraldarius.]
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[He guesses he can see the concerns about Dimitri being unstable, given... everything he knows about what happens when Dimitri is unstable. But, all the same...] And that was supposed to be worth leaving you basically on your own after what happened, huh.
[There is, in one of those rare moments where he can't (or maybe doesn't want to) smooth over his own feelings, no disguising the distaste in his voice and expression. Maybe it's easier since Felix clearly feels similarly, but... well, he can't claim this isn't a little bit personal.]
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[Felix scowls and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a moment. He means everything he's saying, of course. He's meant it for a long time--but that's what he's uncertain about, now. Is this really still all he feels after everything, or is this just an emotional groove he's worn into his heart that's hard to pull himself out of? It's so much easier to focus on - and express - his anger and resentment than on everything else. He sighs, sharp.]
I...suppose I'm being a little uncharitable.
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And yet:] Hmm. I'm in no position to say if you are, but I do think sometimes being a little "uncharitable" is justified. His priorities screwed you over, and you've got every right to be bothered by that.
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Hm. You're right. But...
[But Rodrigue was the only real family Felix had left. And he'd thought maybe, once the war was over, they could at least reach some kind of equilibrium that would allow them to be in the same room for more than five minutes without Felix storming out, even if only so that his transition to taking up his father's title eventually would be smooth.
And he wouldn't feel so unreasonably angry about Rodrigue dying in Dimitri's arms without even calling for him if he hadn't, on some level, wanted to reconcile.]
Mm. Doesn't matter. He's dead, there's no point in wallowing in self-pity over it.
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[He won't push that, though. Instead, he'll just hope Felix takes that into consideration, and in the meantime Grant will take the risk of... actually mentioning something about himself for once.] I mean, I'm probably never going to see my own dad, assuming he's still alive - but I still feel pretty secure in being pissed at him.
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I remember. You said he left you and your mother at some point.
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Mm-hm. Less than, uh, a month after I was born. [He snorts quietly.] Just after the first full moon, actually.
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[He hisses through his teeth, making a face for a moment.] Then I could remember that he definitely knew my mom was a carrier, and then when he bolted anyway she had to do all that extra work herself. So, y'know. It's my choice to consider him an asshole.
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[To say nothing of doing it out of grief, to raise the son of the man you loved but couldn't have instead. Ugh.]
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[Ugh.
Grant lets out a quiet sigh, because... talking about dads is sort of exhausting?
And then he remembers there's another potentially exhausting thing he should still bring up.
His hesitation doubtless shows on his face for a moment as he considers whether to speak up. But... he'll have to say something sometime, right?]
Actually, while we're here, could I... ask you about a note I got from the Indeedee? You don't have to... tell me whether it's you, if you don't want to.
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Tch. And Dimitri tries to insist that Indeedee aren't sadistic menaces.]
Saying I don't have to tell you is meaningless. If I refuse, that's confirmation anyway. And I would be a coward not to stand by my own words. So go ahead.
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[Anyway.
This is the hard part.]
I got a note that... roughly speaking, said that this person... uh, wished I weren’t a good person because it would be “easier” to hate me. But that “someone like me” was… was what Dimitri deserved? [His brow furrows slightly as he says that, and he taps his foot uncomfortably a couple times. He said that it was a rough approximation of what the card said, but, truth be told, he’s read over that thing a lot, as if trying to find… any more possible meaning in it. Anything to mean he should be either more or less worried about it, instead of this… weird awkward state of almost-fear.]
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[But there's no question here. If Grant wasn't after getting confirmation that it was from Felix, then what is he after?]
What about it?
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Grant shifts in place, hoping Felix can't tell how his stomach just dropped. There was, obviously, a fair bit of information in that card, two-thirds of it positive. But, of course, it was that last third that Grant hasn't been able to stop thinking about.]
If you... want to hate me, then... I mean, why?
[He presses his lips together, keeping himself from saying anything else, like "what did I do", that Felix might consider a waste of time.]
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I don't want to hate you. It would just...be easier if you were the kind of person I could hate. But you're not, so stop worrying about it. Why do you care what I think of you, anyway?
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As for why he cares: God, he hopes this doesn't go over weird.] I mean, I... like you? And Dimitri and Sylvain and Claude love you. And... Chip really looks up to you. So... why wouldn't I care?
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Those blasted Indeedee...why couldn't they keep their stupid intrusive psychic powers to themselves? How is he supposed to explain to Grant the complicated mess that is his feelings about Dimitri when he doesn't fully understand it himself? Not to mention that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Five years ago, maybe even six months ago, he would simply have told Grant to mind his own business and walked away. But here, he's made himself vulnerable, and conversations like this--and giving a shit about how they go--is a consequence of that. Just like Seteth, Grant's gone to all this trouble to connect with him, so...maybe he should make an effort, too.]
...look. My history with Dimitri is...complicated. I don't know what he's told you, and I don't really care. The point is, you're the kind of person Dimitri should have had by his side a long time ago, but didn't. And when you first...expressed interest in him, and I saw how much better he was after spending all that time with you, I couldn't believe some stranger did what none of us ever could.
[He pauses, not particularly wanting to get into the rest, but having trouble figuring out how to fully explain without it.]
During the war, nothing we did worked to pull him out of that madness. It was my father's death that first woke him up. Seeing that all it took for you was a few months of wandering around...I was furious. Maybe I did want to hate you then, but I couldn't, because you were so good to Dimitri. Good for him.
Obviously, you're not a stranger anymore, and now I understand you and this place better, and I know the two situations aren't comparable at all. That understanding doesn't just erase my emotions, though. And I despise wrestling with them.
So yes, it would be easier for me if I could hate you, but I can't and I don't.
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