Yyyep. If I want to try and be "fair" to him, I could say, I don't know if he was afraid of me so much as he was overwhelmed by the pressures and extra work involved in raising a kid with lycanthropy - which are very real. And deciding that he wasn't up to it was his choice to make.
[He hisses through his teeth, making a face for a moment.] Then I could remember that he definitely knew my mom was a carrier, and then when he bolted anyway she had to do all that extra work herself. So, y'know. It's my choice to consider him an asshole.
Tch. I don't know what's worse, leaving your child out of some misplaced sense of duty, or doing it because you're too lazy and callous to accept the consequences of your actions. Not that it matters. No excuse is sufficient.
[To say nothing of doing it out of grief, to raise the son of the man you loved but couldn't have instead. Ugh.]
Yeah... I think you about got it, there. They both suck.
[Ugh.
Grant lets out a quiet sigh, because... talking about dads is sort of exhausting?
And then he remembers there's another potentially exhausting thing he should still bring up.
His hesitation doubtless shows on his face for a moment as he considers whether to speak up. But... he'll have to say something sometime, right?]
Actually, while we're here, could I... ask you about a note I got from the Indeedee? You don't have to... tell me whether it's you, if you don't want to.
[Felix glances at Grant sidelong. Great. He has no idea what kind of thing the Indeedee dug out of his head and he doesn't really want to know, but he supposes he asked Grant about Chip's so it's only fair.
Tch. And Dimitri tries to insist that Indeedee aren't sadistic menaces.]
Saying I don't have to tell you is meaningless. If I refuse, that's confirmation anyway. And I would be a coward not to stand by my own words. So go ahead.
[Grant... would like to say something about how, technically, refusing to answer could also be a matter of knowing whose secret it was and not wanting to give it away, or simply not wanting to narrow the pool of options unless the person chose to come forward themself, but he doubts Felix would appreciate him getting into that. So, instead, he'll just settle for:] ...It's not. Anyway, I dunno that I'd consider something you didn't choose to say to be "your words"...
[Anyway.
This is the hard part.]
I got a note that... roughly speaking, said that this person... uh, wished I weren’t a good person because it would be “easier” to hate me. But that “someone like me” was… was what Dimitri deserved? [His brow furrows slightly as he says that, and he taps his foot uncomfortably a couple times. He said that it was a rough approximation of what the card said, but, truth be told, he’s read over that thing a lot, as if trying to find… any more possible meaning in it. Anything to mean he should be either more or less worried about it, instead of this… weird awkward state of almost-fear.]
[Oh. Well that was straightforward. That's... that's cool and neat.
Grant shifts in place, hoping Felix can't tell how his stomach just dropped. There was, obviously, a fair bit of information in that card, two-thirds of it positive. But, of course, it was that last third that Grant hasn't been able to stop thinking about.]
If you... want to hate me, then... I mean, why?
[He presses his lips together, keeping himself from saying anything else, like "what did I do", that Felix might consider a waste of time.]
[Felix is, as usual, not making eye contact, so he doesn't notice anything changing in Grant's mood or demeanor. He frowns, hands stuffed into his pockets.]
I don't want to hate you. It would just...be easier if you were the kind of person I could hate. But you're not, so stop worrying about it. Why do you care what I think of you, anyway?
I guess I don't really... see how that's different. [He can't exactly make any promises about worrying. He also can't really explain how... tenuous the idea of being "the kind of person" Felix can't hate really feels.
As for why he cares: God, he hopes this doesn't go over weird.] I mean, I... like you? And Dimitri and Sylvain and Claude love you. And... Chip really looks up to you. So... why wouldn't I care?
[Chip really looks up to you. Felicity said the same thing, and Felix isn't sure how to feel about it. He doesn't want to be some...role model, some aspirational figure. And maybe that's not even what they mean by it, but still, the thought feels strange.
Those blasted Indeedee...why couldn't they keep their stupid intrusive psychic powers to themselves? How is he supposed to explain to Grant the complicated mess that is his feelings about Dimitri when he doesn't fully understand it himself? Not to mention that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Five years ago, maybe even six months ago, he would simply have told Grant to mind his own business and walked away. But here, he's made himself vulnerable, and conversations like this--and giving a shit about how they go--is a consequence of that. Just like Seteth, Grant's gone to all this trouble to connect with him, so...maybe he should make an effort, too.]
...look. My history with Dimitri is...complicated. I don't know what he's told you, and I don't really care. The point is, you're the kind of person Dimitri should have had by his side a long time ago, but didn't. And when you first...expressed interest in him, and I saw how much better he was after spending all that time with you, I couldn't believe some stranger did what none of us ever could.
[He pauses, not particularly wanting to get into the rest, but having trouble figuring out how to fully explain without it.]
During the war, nothing we did worked to pull him out of that madness. It was my father's death that first woke him up. Seeing that all it took for you was a few months of wandering around...I was furious. Maybe I did want to hate you then, but I couldn't, because you were so good to Dimitri. Good for him.
Obviously, you're not a stranger anymore, and now I understand you and this place better, and I know the two situations aren't comparable at all. That understanding doesn't just erase my emotions, though. And I despise wrestling with them.
So yes, it would be easier for me if I could hate you, but I can't and I don't.
[Hearing Felix explain doesn't make Grant any less tense, at least not right away. He can't say for sure, as is often the case with this kind of thing, whether he'll be able to relax in a few minutes, or if it'll take longer, maybe even an hour or more after they part ways.
But... even if it doesn't do much for his physical state, listening and thinking over what Felix says does help, from a logical perspective. There's still that nagging uncertainty, the sense that things could change at any time, but-- well, if it comes down to Dimitri... Grant certainly can't see himself changing the way he interacts with him. So, unless they go off the rails some other way, it'll... probably be alright.
Grant nods slowly.] I... think I get that. Uh... thank you. For explaining.
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[He hisses through his teeth, making a face for a moment.] Then I could remember that he definitely knew my mom was a carrier, and then when he bolted anyway she had to do all that extra work herself. So, y'know. It's my choice to consider him an asshole.
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[To say nothing of doing it out of grief, to raise the son of the man you loved but couldn't have instead. Ugh.]
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[Ugh.
Grant lets out a quiet sigh, because... talking about dads is sort of exhausting?
And then he remembers there's another potentially exhausting thing he should still bring up.
His hesitation doubtless shows on his face for a moment as he considers whether to speak up. But... he'll have to say something sometime, right?]
Actually, while we're here, could I... ask you about a note I got from the Indeedee? You don't have to... tell me whether it's you, if you don't want to.
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Tch. And Dimitri tries to insist that Indeedee aren't sadistic menaces.]
Saying I don't have to tell you is meaningless. If I refuse, that's confirmation anyway. And I would be a coward not to stand by my own words. So go ahead.
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[Anyway.
This is the hard part.]
I got a note that... roughly speaking, said that this person... uh, wished I weren’t a good person because it would be “easier” to hate me. But that “someone like me” was… was what Dimitri deserved? [His brow furrows slightly as he says that, and he taps his foot uncomfortably a couple times. He said that it was a rough approximation of what the card said, but, truth be told, he’s read over that thing a lot, as if trying to find… any more possible meaning in it. Anything to mean he should be either more or less worried about it, instead of this… weird awkward state of almost-fear.]
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[But there's no question here. If Grant wasn't after getting confirmation that it was from Felix, then what is he after?]
What about it?
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Grant shifts in place, hoping Felix can't tell how his stomach just dropped. There was, obviously, a fair bit of information in that card, two-thirds of it positive. But, of course, it was that last third that Grant hasn't been able to stop thinking about.]
If you... want to hate me, then... I mean, why?
[He presses his lips together, keeping himself from saying anything else, like "what did I do", that Felix might consider a waste of time.]
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I don't want to hate you. It would just...be easier if you were the kind of person I could hate. But you're not, so stop worrying about it. Why do you care what I think of you, anyway?
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As for why he cares: God, he hopes this doesn't go over weird.] I mean, I... like you? And Dimitri and Sylvain and Claude love you. And... Chip really looks up to you. So... why wouldn't I care?
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Those blasted Indeedee...why couldn't they keep their stupid intrusive psychic powers to themselves? How is he supposed to explain to Grant the complicated mess that is his feelings about Dimitri when he doesn't fully understand it himself? Not to mention that he doesn't want to talk about it.
Five years ago, maybe even six months ago, he would simply have told Grant to mind his own business and walked away. But here, he's made himself vulnerable, and conversations like this--and giving a shit about how they go--is a consequence of that. Just like Seteth, Grant's gone to all this trouble to connect with him, so...maybe he should make an effort, too.]
...look. My history with Dimitri is...complicated. I don't know what he's told you, and I don't really care. The point is, you're the kind of person Dimitri should have had by his side a long time ago, but didn't. And when you first...expressed interest in him, and I saw how much better he was after spending all that time with you, I couldn't believe some stranger did what none of us ever could.
[He pauses, not particularly wanting to get into the rest, but having trouble figuring out how to fully explain without it.]
During the war, nothing we did worked to pull him out of that madness. It was my father's death that first woke him up. Seeing that all it took for you was a few months of wandering around...I was furious. Maybe I did want to hate you then, but I couldn't, because you were so good to Dimitri. Good for him.
Obviously, you're not a stranger anymore, and now I understand you and this place better, and I know the two situations aren't comparable at all. That understanding doesn't just erase my emotions, though. And I despise wrestling with them.
So yes, it would be easier for me if I could hate you, but I can't and I don't.
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But... even if it doesn't do much for his physical state, listening and thinking over what Felix says does help, from a logical perspective. There's still that nagging uncertainty, the sense that things could change at any time, but-- well, if it comes down to Dimitri... Grant certainly can't see himself changing the way he interacts with him. So, unless they go off the rails some other way, it'll... probably be alright.
Grant nods slowly.] I... think I get that. Uh... thank you. For explaining.
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If you still have questions, ask them. I...Talking about this sort of thing doesn't come naturally to me.