[Felix has brought out the electric kettle Grant gave him for his birthday last year and a little box of a random assortment of teas; the big one Felicity gave him ran out a while ago, so this is just…what he had on hand. He brews himself a cup of some kind of spice tea and lets Grant handle his own.
He’s been told he is sometimes too abrupt, so he waits at least until Grant has his drink sorted out before he says anything. But he just can’t deal with small talk or pointless equivocation, so once Grant has a cup of tea prepared, he says,]
You…told me something the other day. Before you ran off. It…surprised me. I don’t really understand it, but that’s okay.
[He’s looking down at his cup, not at Grant, but that’s his usual.]
Dimitri explained it to me, how you’re all…practicing, with Zuke. I don’t think I’m capable of that. And, um.
[How did Dimitri put it?]
I prefer the way things are now. No, that’s—ugh.
[He puts his teacup down and frowns at himself. Dimitri said this didn’t need to be so difficult, but that’s easy for Mr. Vomits Feelings Everywhere to say…]
I wouldn’t mind spending more time with you. Than I do now, I mean. But not like that.
[Grant almost wishes Felix were being as abrupt as usual. At least it would give him less time to sit there and agonize. But... he still has to appreciate that Felix is clearly trying to be more delicate than usual about this.
Which, in turn, almost tells him in itself where this is going. Maybe he's just being influenced by where he's expecting this to go to start with, and maybe Felix would be just as cautious if he were about to tell Grant he returned his feelings, or was at least willing to explore something with him. But, accurately or not, he sort of doubts it.
The lead-in about how he's not sure he can do "what they're doing with Zuke"... makes sense, honestly, with. Well. Everything about Felix. It certainly does a bit to explain his bafflement at how the polycule has expanded.
And the final conclusion, the reason Felix brought that up to begin with, is... no surprise to begin with. That doesn't stop Grant's throat from closing up like a rapidly-drying kitchen sponge, but that happens at least once every couple weeks, so he can probably muscle through it.
It... does actually, genuinely help that Felix is explicitly alright with spending more time together, even if not romantically. Grant nods, slowly, fingers curling against the sides of his cup.]
[Huh. Is that it? Felix expected...well, he's not sure what he expected. An attempt to convince him, maybe. More words than that, at least. Grant usually has a lot of words to say. Does that mean he's not upset, or that he is? Well, Felix isn't responsible for Grant's feelings, so it's not as though he feels guilty or anything like that. This whole thing still just feels like one big enigma to him.
He nods in response to the thanks. Dimitri suggested that he should be clear and detailed about his feelings, but he isn't sure he managed that.]
Do you...hm. I'm not...good at explaining this kind of thing, so...if you want to ask me questions, I don't mind.
[Jesus, this is surreal. But he can certainly appreciate that it seems like Felix is putting a lot of thought and effort into how he's approaching it.]
I... I think I get it. You don't feel the same way, and the idea of dating casually to test things out doesn't click for you, right?
[Felix sips his tea, brow furrowed. Grant does understand the basic gist, but...he puts his cup back down with a slightly frustrated sigh. Dimitri said he should just tell Grant what he told him, but that he wouldn't have any context for who Seteth is, so...wouldn't it be easier to just explain that?]
Back when we were at the academy, I was...angry. All the time. I didn't want anyone close to me, so I pushed them away. Even Sylvain, although fortunately for me, he's a stubborn fool who refused to listen.
[Somehow, he makes 'stubborn fool' sound like some kind of endearment.]
I probably would have simply continued on like that until I'd driven everyone away for good, if it weren't for Seteth. He leads the church's military force, but he's also a professor, and he...paid attention to me. Went out of his way to offer me advice and get to know me, because he felt we were similar people. Looking back, I think he was trying to help me avoid making his mistakes, although I never did discover exactly what his mistakes were.
[Felix shakes his head. Not the point.]
He fought by our side in the war as well, and for me, he became...I suppose you could call him a confidant. When my father died, Seteth was the only one who didn't treat me like some kind of fragile thing to be pitied. He always...seemed to understand me in a way no one else did.
[He feels like he's saying too much, so he cuts to the chase.]
Anyway, the point is, talking to you is like talking to Seteth. And talking to Seteth is like...like talking to family. So...
[He folds his arms and turns in his seat a little, trying to ignore the acute self-consciousness urging him to shut up already, but sort of failing.]
[Okay. So he's got the rough idea down, but it sounds like there's a bit more to it... Grant drinks his own tea while he listens to Felix's explanation.
And he thinks... he might, once again, have an idea of where this is going even before the final conclusion. This time, though... that conclusion doesn't hurt the way the first had, doesn't carry the same sinking sense of inevitability. Honestly, he can't help but feel sort of honored, even if it’s still accompanied by the inevitable, painful pang of confirming the breadth of the gap between his feelings toward another person, and theirs toward him.
He looks down at his cup, fidgeting with it slightly, and... he nods again.]
I see. Thank you for explaining. I'm... kind of glad to hear that, actually. [He looks up to add,] So, in light of that - is there anything you do want to change about our current relationship? Besides, like you said, potentially just… spending more time together in a platonic capacity.
[Huh. Grant's glad to hear that? Felix supposes he didn't really know what to expect out of Grant's reaction, here, but he'd figured he would be at least a little upset or something. This is a relief, honestly.
The question gets Felix blinking a bit blankly, though.]
Ah, well-- if you don't know, that about answers that. I just wanted to check if there was anything on your mind in that regard that hadn't come up yet.
If not, though... I wanted to talk to you more about, uh, what we were talking about before I... confessed and ran off last time.
Well... we just determined a pretty significant disconnect in our feelings toward each other; in that sort of situation, some people may want to set new boundaries, like avoiding situations that may read as overly romantic now that they know how the other person feels.
...Admittedly, I was also wondering if seeing me interact romantically with Claude or Dimitri might be uncomfortable to you, in light of this new information. Which I'm sure I've asked about before, but... I don't know if your opinion changed since then.
[And... right. As for that.] I want a better handle on where you're coming from - and I still want to find a way to approach this where we can all be as happy as possible, without anyone having to just... decide to ignore their own feelings. So, I want to ask - how much of what's bothering you is the addition of new people to the polycule, versus the fact that there's a conversation about it every time it happens, or are they about equal?
I don't see why that would be necessary. It isn't as though you were doing anything particularly...like that, before. [Not that Felix noticed, anyway.] And you're not the sort of person to try to worm your way into a situation like that through guile.
[He gives Grant's second concern a bit of thought, but then shakes his head.]
Nothing has actually changed. If it didn't bother me yesterday, why would it bother me today?
[This last question gets Felix putting his teacup down and looking into it for a moment.]
They're equal, I suppose. But Claude has made it clear that these feelings are...selfish. In that case, why shouldn't I ignore them?
[Grant nods at those first couple points.] Got it. Thanks for confirming.
[...As for that last part, however:] A feeling being selfish doesn't necessarily mean you should ignore it. It's a matter of considering individual situations, and compromising if need be - and I think, if we got all this cleared up with Claude, we could work something out.
Work what out? It's already done. I told you: what I agreed to and what the rest of you want are no longer the same, and there can be no turning back. The others were uninterested in compromise - only in convincing me. When I am not convinced, Claude chastises me as though I'm some recalcitrant child.
[A bit of impatience, annoyance, has crept into his tone by now. He doesn't see why Grant continues to harp on this when there's no longer anything to be done.]
[Grant's brow creases, because this... still doesn't seem right. He thinks back over the conversation, where things went wrong-- there's definitely a hole in there, but...]
[What compromise is there to be had? The others want to share what the five of them had with more people. Claude says Felix is only thinking about his own feelings and Sylvain's, and he doesn't see how he's supposed to have any idea what anyone else will feel, but - well, Dorothea used to say he was 'unsociable.' Maybe she was right, after all.]
Ssshhit-- okay, that's it then, isn't it? [He starts tapping his fingers against the side of his cup, fidgeting the way he does when his thoughts really start moving.] It's not that Claude wouldn't accept a compromise - I mean, negotiating is all about compromise, and he knows how to do that. It might be that he didn't think you considered it an option, but because he didn't want to produce more friction by prodding at it, just reassuring you where he thought the problem lay seemed like the more straightforward solution. So we never actually tried to find a compromise based on the actual issue.
[Felix blinks, watching Grant spin up like a record player, just like he did back at that other tea party they had with Dimitri. Felix follows the conclusion, more or less, he thinks, but...]
I... [Grant's finger-tapping stops, and he rubs, kind of self-consciously, at the back of his neck.] ...I can't be sure, right off the bat. But I can talk to Dimitri and Claude about it - and you don't have to be there for it. Especially not if I can get a better handle on your point of view.
I know the disconnect between your expectations and ours going into this is a part of it, but I'd like to ask if you're aware of any more to it than that, just so I've got the most solid idea I can - for example, if there are any particular negative consequences of this change that you're anticipating.
[It's a kneejerk reaction, but he stands by it. Sure, the idea of a feelings conversation that he doesn't need to be there for sounds appealing, but the implication that he can't speak for himself or that Grant is stepping in to defend him rankles.
He's quiet for a moment as he thinks about the answer to Grant's question.]
Tell me, Grant. Are you completely unbothered by the fact that Dimitri devotes exactly as much time and effort and emotion to us as he does to someone he's decided to try out a relationship with, on the off chance that it might become something more?
Alright. I'm just trying to figure out how to make this work.
[He can't claim to love that particular reaction, when he was just trying to figure out how to work around Felix's distaste for these talks... but at least, at this point, it doesn't have him immediately shrinking away. He just... gives his response and moves on.]
...I don't know. I guess I'm personally inclined to think of it as... different kinds of time and effort? But, put that way, I can see where you'd be put off.
[Felix--well, ten minutes ago he would have said he didn't understand why Grant was doing all this, going out of his way to ask these questions and figure out how to solve something Felix didn't even assume could or should be solved. He supposes now he does understand, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept feeling like they all think he's incapable of handling his own relationships or feelings. As much as he dislikes feeling like the odd one out all the time, it was easier when they simply left him to deal with his own irrational, selfish emotions by himself, like he always has. If he couldn't or didn't want to love or give or feel the way they can, the way they wanted him to, he could at least keep his whining about it to himself.]
And even if that wasn't insulting, practically speaking, there is no way for him to do it without sacrificing time he would have spent with us. Experiences he would have had with us, he will now have with five other people, or...whatever.
[Listen, he can't be expected to keep track of how many people Dimitri's in love with on any given day.]
It's a declaration of intent, Grant, even if he doesn't see it that way. An intent to take something important that we created for ourselves and...and spread it around to other people who weren't there. Sometimes it seems like he'd do it for anyone who expressed any interest at all, simply because they did, out of some...some altruistic desire not to disappoint them. And I never agreed to share it with anyone else. But when he, or Claude, asks if I mind them doing it, they want and expect me to say no, so what's the point of asking?
[It's a lot of words for Felix all at once, but Grant has managed to push past his reluctance to where his frustrations and feelings live, and now they're spilling out.]
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idk.
outside?
[They're sure to have at least one outdoor tea spot by now.]
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[He names a place, and doesn't waste any time setting aside what he's doing to go meet Felix.
Grant just hopes he doesn't look too visibly tense when he gets there.] Hey. What's up?
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He’s been told he is sometimes too abrupt, so he waits at least until Grant has his drink sorted out before he says anything. But he just can’t deal with small talk or pointless equivocation, so once Grant has a cup of tea prepared, he says,]
You…told me something the other day. Before you ran off. It…surprised me. I don’t really understand it, but that’s okay.
[He’s looking down at his cup, not at Grant, but that’s his usual.]
Dimitri explained it to me, how you’re all…practicing, with Zuke. I don’t think I’m capable of that. And, um.
[How did Dimitri put it?]
I prefer the way things are now. No, that’s—ugh.
[He puts his teacup down and frowns at himself. Dimitri said this didn’t need to be so difficult, but that’s easy for Mr. Vomits Feelings Everywhere to say…]
I wouldn’t mind spending more time with you. Than I do now, I mean. But not like that.
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Which, in turn, almost tells him in itself where this is going. Maybe he's just being influenced by where he's expecting this to go to start with, and maybe Felix would be just as cautious if he were about to tell Grant he returned his feelings, or was at least willing to explore something with him. But, accurately or not, he sort of doubts it.
The lead-in about how he's not sure he can do "what they're doing with Zuke"... makes sense, honestly, with. Well. Everything about Felix. It certainly does a bit to explain his bafflement at how the polycule has expanded.
And the final conclusion, the reason Felix brought that up to begin with, is... no surprise to begin with. That doesn't stop Grant's throat from closing up like a rapidly-drying kitchen sponge, but that happens at least once every couple weeks, so he can probably muscle through it.
It... does actually, genuinely help that Felix is explicitly alright with spending more time together, even if not romantically. Grant nods, slowly, fingers curling against the sides of his cup.]
...Alright. Thank you for telling me.
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He nods in response to the thanks. Dimitri suggested that he should be clear and detailed about his feelings, but he isn't sure he managed that.]
Do you...hm. I'm not...good at explaining this kind of thing, so...if you want to ask me questions, I don't mind.
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I... I think I get it. You don't feel the same way, and the idea of dating casually to test things out doesn't click for you, right?
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[Felix sips his tea, brow furrowed. Grant does understand the basic gist, but...he puts his cup back down with a slightly frustrated sigh. Dimitri said he should just tell Grant what he told him, but that he wouldn't have any context for who Seteth is, so...wouldn't it be easier to just explain that?]
Back when we were at the academy, I was...angry. All the time. I didn't want anyone close to me, so I pushed them away. Even Sylvain, although fortunately for me, he's a stubborn fool who refused to listen.
[Somehow, he makes 'stubborn fool' sound like some kind of endearment.]
I probably would have simply continued on like that until I'd driven everyone away for good, if it weren't for Seteth. He leads the church's military force, but he's also a professor, and he...paid attention to me. Went out of his way to offer me advice and get to know me, because he felt we were similar people. Looking back, I think he was trying to help me avoid making his mistakes, although I never did discover exactly what his mistakes were.
[Felix shakes his head. Not the point.]
He fought by our side in the war as well, and for me, he became...I suppose you could call him a confidant. When my father died, Seteth was the only one who didn't treat me like some kind of fragile thing to be pitied. He always...seemed to understand me in a way no one else did.
[He feels like he's saying too much, so he cuts to the chase.]
Anyway, the point is, talking to you is like talking to Seteth. And talking to Seteth is like...like talking to family. So...
[He folds his arms and turns in his seat a little, trying to ignore the acute self-consciousness urging him to shut up already, but sort of failing.]
...whatever, you know what I mean.
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And he thinks... he might, once again, have an idea of where this is going even before the final conclusion. This time, though... that conclusion doesn't hurt the way the first had, doesn't carry the same sinking sense of inevitability. Honestly, he can't help but feel sort of honored, even if it’s still accompanied by the inevitable, painful pang of confirming the breadth of the gap between his feelings toward another person, and theirs toward him.
He looks down at his cup, fidgeting with it slightly, and... he nods again.]
I see. Thank you for explaining. I'm... kind of glad to hear that, actually. [He looks up to add,] So, in light of that - is there anything you do want to change about our current relationship? Besides, like you said, potentially just… spending more time together in a platonic capacity.
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The question gets Felix blinking a bit blankly, though.]
Like what?
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If not, though... I wanted to talk to you more about, uh, what we were talking about before I... confessed and ran off last time.
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[What they were talking about before? Felix thinks back. Oh - something about his relationship concerns. He thought they were finished with that.]
I'm not sure what else there is to say. But go on, I suppose.
[He drinks his tea and listens.]
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...Admittedly, I was also wondering if seeing me interact romantically with Claude or Dimitri might be uncomfortable to you, in light of this new information. Which I'm sure I've asked about before, but... I don't know if your opinion changed since then.
[And... right. As for that.] I want a better handle on where you're coming from - and I still want to find a way to approach this where we can all be as happy as possible, without anyone having to just... decide to ignore their own feelings. So, I want to ask - how much of what's bothering you is the addition of new people to the polycule, versus the fact that there's a conversation about it every time it happens, or are they about equal?
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[He gives Grant's second concern a bit of thought, but then shakes his head.]
Nothing has actually changed. If it didn't bother me yesterday, why would it bother me today?
[This last question gets Felix putting his teacup down and looking into it for a moment.]
They're equal, I suppose. But Claude has made it clear that these feelings are...selfish. In that case, why shouldn't I ignore them?
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[...As for that last part, however:] A feeling being selfish doesn't necessarily mean you should ignore it. It's a matter of considering individual situations, and compromising if need be - and I think, if we got all this cleared up with Claude, we could work something out.
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[A bit of impatience, annoyance, has crept into his tone by now. He doesn't see why Grant continues to harp on this when there's no longer anything to be done.]
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...Did any of us suggest compromise?
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[What compromise is there to be had? The others want to share what the five of them had with more people. Claude says Felix is only thinking about his own feelings and Sylvain's, and he doesn't see how he's supposed to have any idea what anyone else will feel, but - well, Dorothea used to say he was 'unsociable.' Maybe she was right, after all.]
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Like what?
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I know the disconnect between your expectations and ours going into this is a part of it, but I'd like to ask if you're aware of any more to it than that, just so I've got the most solid idea I can - for example, if there are any particular negative consequences of this change that you're anticipating.
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[It's a kneejerk reaction, but he stands by it. Sure, the idea of a feelings conversation that he doesn't need to be there for sounds appealing, but the implication that he can't speak for himself or that Grant is stepping in to defend him rankles.
He's quiet for a moment as he thinks about the answer to Grant's question.]
Tell me, Grant. Are you completely unbothered by the fact that Dimitri devotes exactly as much time and effort and emotion to us as he does to someone he's decided to try out a relationship with, on the off chance that it might become something more?
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[He can't claim to love that particular reaction, when he was just trying to figure out how to work around Felix's distaste for these talks... but at least, at this point, it doesn't have him immediately shrinking away. He just... gives his response and moves on.]
...I don't know. I guess I'm personally inclined to think of it as... different kinds of time and effort? But, put that way, I can see where you'd be put off.
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And even if that wasn't insulting, practically speaking, there is no way for him to do it without sacrificing time he would have spent with us. Experiences he would have had with us, he will now have with five other people, or...whatever.
[Listen, he can't be expected to keep track of how many people Dimitri's in love with on any given day.]
It's a declaration of intent, Grant, even if he doesn't see it that way. An intent to take something important that we created for ourselves and...and spread it around to other people who weren't there. Sometimes it seems like he'd do it for anyone who expressed any interest at all, simply because they did, out of some...some altruistic desire not to disappoint them. And I never agreed to share it with anyone else. But when he, or Claude, asks if I mind them doing it, they want and expect me to say no, so what's the point of asking?
[It's a lot of words for Felix all at once, but Grant has managed to push past his reluctance to where his frustrations and feelings live, and now they're spilling out.]