If you're not over it, you're not; there's not really a "should be" with some stuff. And I can handle what's on my shoulders, specifically because I've got support from other people.
Depends, man. There's stuff I'm not over from actual decades ago. Sometimes being able to function around something that's happened means accepting that you're not over it, and you might never be.
Which I realize may sound depressing and/or preachy, sorry about that.
[Oof. Well... he'd kind of been wondering that himself. If that were true, but - shouldn't he be? This is a good place. A safe place. So why can't it just go away?]
no i
[Focus. Breathe. Focus.]
Here I was, trying to help you out. How'd we get in this conversation?
[It may still be kind of vague, but it's enough for Grant to... start to get an idea.]
Shit
I'm so sorry, man. I mean, for one thing, people disappearing here isn't at all your fault - but I know hearing that probably doesn't help with the actual experience
I mean it it's not something you need to apologize for. I really should've known |
[The cursor pauses there. Better, he wants to type. He should have known better. Of course he could have done something about it. Acted sooner. Been a more attentive partner. Something.]
| that going to the auction wouldn't end well. Given the history.
[Which. Really was not what Grant was talking about at all, but maybe it'll swing the conversation away from his misadventures in romance.]
I know, I know - but that was a sympathetic "I'm sorry". I'm sorry that happened, and that this is something you've been left to deal with. Because it sucks a lot.
You couldn't have known. I do think it might have been a good call not to go if you just didn't WANT to, but a history of bad luck doesn't mean you've got some kind of responsibility to resign yourself to avoiding anything romance-related.
[Listen, Grant... doesn't really have the language to describe just how awful that sounds. Certainly not off the cuff in a text conversation, when he just found out about this.]
Blaming Blue seems pretty fair, yeah.
You might as well, or you want to?
[Something lurches in his stomach as he types that. He tells it to quiet down. This isn't a question he has any right to be that invested in the answer to.]
[Maybe he shouldn't have said it. Sure, Grant asked, but that's... that's too much, isn't it? Way too much. He should just go. Let it lie and say he was just being dramatic or overly emotional or...]
[He doesn't respond for a long while, again, and when he moves to do so, he realizes he's been worrying at the ring on his finger. Again.]
That's alright; you don't have to know for sure. It's just something it might be good to think about.
If I'm just misdirected and picking at phrasing here, feel free to tell me - but I'm a little worried that so far, what you've said just sounds like like giving up
Seriously do let me know if I'm overstepping, and if you do end up deciding that you've really had enough of romance and want nothing to do with it, that's completely fair, and you should do what's best for you. I just want to suggest that you do think over what would be best for you. What you actually want to do.
[God, this is too much. This is definitely too much. Even knowing his own motives perfectly well, that he can separate from his personal feelings and still come to the same conclusion... it feels like way too much.
And yet he's still typing. Maybe it's some kind of overcompensation - he knows he's going to be inclined right now to shy away, to keep from getting too involved, so maybe he's just... leaning really hard in the other direction.
...Or maybe it's just that Shiro is his friend, and he wants him to be happy, whatever that means.]
It's a little late for that, man. But I'm okay with worrying about you. I want to help however I can. but, again, that includes backing off if you need me to.
[Because, let's face it, he probably has. Why bother, when you know it won't work out? When you know it's not going to happen. When the last time you tried, when you put whole heart into trying again, and it just... failed. How is he not supposed to see that as his fault? How is he supposed to want to do anything but avoid it altogether?]
I did keep trying more than a year ago I I even married the guy
wasn't even a month before he just wasnt there
[Please excuse the way his text falters. It's been a while since he tried to talk about this. And longer still since the words actually came out.]
so why shouldnt I just stop?
[Clearly, he doesn't think Grant is overstepping here. If he's going so far as to actually say it. In a manner of speaking.]
[Man. Even if he hasn't overstepped, put Shiro off... Grant's got to wonder if he's put himself in over his head here, anyway. What can he possibly do about this?
Besides, he guesses, trying to start gently persuading Shiro to get a therapist.]
I can't give a definitive answer to that. I wish I could.
I do understand, given all that, why you would be inclined to stop. I can't blame you at all, that's an awful thing to go through.
But I don't think it's anything about you that caused this. And more than anything, I'm worried that you seem to think it was.
You don't have to apologize. And you couldn't have known. It's not like you could see a timer running.
Platitudes about taking your shot are one thing, and it can be easy to fall into believing them when you're stuck looking back. Thinking what you could have or should have done when it's already past, just like how someone looking in from the outside might question your hesitation.
But it's different in the moment, from one second to another. And it's not reasonable to blame yourself in retrospect for not preparing for something you couldn't possibly have known about.
[That little cursor flashes for a long... long time. Part of him, irrationally, wants to hang up. Just walk away. He doesn't want to say Grant's right. Because then everyone else would be right. Everyone else who said to move on, to get back out there, would be right.]
[That he'd have to move forward.]
you sound almost like you're speaking from experience
[Grant worries, for a little bit, that he really did go too far. He doesn't even think Shiro should necessarily be expected to move on right away - in fact, he suspects that feeling like he has to be over it may be part of what left Shiro in this state to begin with.
But that text finally comes up, and Grant lets out a breath of relief before... thinking carefully about how to respond.]
Not with this specifically but I've definitely made a fair few decisions i really regretted in retrospect, especially where relationships are concerned. Honestly, more often, my mistake was jumping into things where I SHOULD have hesitated - but I think that just goes to show that the reality of this stuff is way more complicated than it might feel when you're looking back, with information and perspective that you didn't have before.
I mean, on one hand? My immediate answer is that if it works out, it could be very worth it. Which I realize is a pretty weak argument, since the only example I've got is my own situation, which wasn't really comparable to yours to begin with.
[Grant doesn't have a missing husband, after all, just... a string of shitty boyfriends that messed up his expectations.]
So my honest advice here, is that I think you should seek out some kind of professional counseling. If you talk to someone who's actually trained to handle
[He almost types "that kind of trauma", because that is... clearly what it is, but. This is Shiro. That would just turn into a conversation on whether he's traumatized, and Grant doubts it would get them anywhere.]
difficulties like you're having, you may end up concluding that you want to date again, or confirming that it's best you don't. But either way, it could be an opportunity to be more secure in whatever decision you make, and hopefully to lift some of that emotional weight.
[This time, the pause is... a bit incredulous. Which isn't Grant's fault. It just seems so absurd a notion. Such a bizarre thing to suggest.]
[Who would have thought the first time Shiro ever heard the suggestion of therapy, it was in relation to his romantic issues and not the literal steamer trunk of emotional and mental baggage from everything else.]
Grant I
I think you you need to be a couple for couples' therapy doesn't really work when they aren't
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It's been a long time. Probably some kind of statute of limitations on 'not over it'.
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Which I realize may sound depressing and/or preachy, sorry about that.
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[Oof. Well... he'd kind of been wondering that himself. If that were true, but - shouldn't he be? This is a good place. A safe place. So why can't it just go away?]
no i
[Focus. Breathe. Focus.]
Here I was, trying to help you out. How'd we get in this conversation?
[Breathe, focus and deflect like heck.]
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[Oh god is this too much. Should he stop? Is he overstepping?]
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[But god he's tired, deep down...]
I can't ask you toThis is too muchI don't know where to start[So many deleted messages, good grief.]
Just
Believe me when I say... most of the time it's fine. But
The whole "date auction" was a bad idea. For a lot of reasons.
[Hey that's uh. That's a start.]
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Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that... it did seem like you weren't totally comfortable there.
[An understatement.]
Any reasons you're alright talking about, or no?
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[He is hilarious. And... deflecting again. Debating.]
[Good lord he doesn’t want to do this. It still feels wrong, it still feels like too much. But Grant asked.]
My personal life is
I never manage not to screw it up somehow. Bad breakup. People just vanishing here
Thought things finally worked out once. Like I broke the streak but
Well
My bad luck has stayed intact
[That’s putting everything extremely mildly. But on the other hand, this is the most he has managed to say about any of this in a long time.]
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Shit
I'm so sorry, man. I mean, for one thing, people disappearing here isn't at all your fault - but I know hearing that probably doesn't help with the actual experience
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[It's objectively Not Fine.]
I mean it
it's not something you need to apologize for. I really should've known |
[The cursor pauses there. Better, he wants to type. He should have known better. Of course he could have done something about it. Acted sooner. Been a more attentive partner. Something.]
| that going to the auction wouldn't end well. Given the history.
[Which. Really was not what Grant was talking about at all, but maybe it'll swing the conversation away from his misadventures in romance.]
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I know, I know - but that was a sympathetic "I'm sorry". I'm sorry that happened, and that this is something you've been left to deal with. Because it sucks a lot.
You couldn't have known. I do think it might have been a good call not to go if you just didn't WANT to, but a history of bad luck doesn't mean you've got some kind of responsibility to resign yourself to avoiding anything romance-related.
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[Yeah, that's for sure. "sucks" might even be putting it mildly. But what else are you supposed to do?]
It was for charity and my Gallade had me signed up before I could say no. So I'm blaming Blue for that one.
But I mean
I might as well. At this point
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Blaming Blue seems pretty fair, yeah.
You might as well, or you want to?
[Something lurches in his stomach as he types that. He tells it to quiet down. This isn't a question he has any right to be that invested in the answer to.]
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[He doesn't respond for a long while, again, and when he moves to do so, he realizes he's been worrying at the ring on his finger. Again.]
I don't really have an answer for that
I
I don't know
[I should be over this, better than this - ]
I'll figure it out, you don't have to worry
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If I'm just misdirected and picking at phrasing here, feel free to tell me - but I'm a little worried that so far, what you've said just sounds like
like giving up
Seriously do let me know if I'm overstepping, and if you do end up deciding that you've really had enough of romance and want nothing to do with it, that's completely fair, and you should do what's best for you.
I just
want to suggest that you do think over what would be best for you. What you actually want to do.
[God, this is too much. This is definitely too much. Even knowing his own motives perfectly well, that he can separate from his personal feelings and still come to the same conclusion... it feels like way too much.
And yet he's still typing. Maybe it's some kind of overcompensation - he knows he's going to be inclined right now to shy away, to keep from getting too involved, so maybe he's just... leaning really hard in the other direction.
...Or maybe it's just that Shiro is his friend, and he wants him to be happy, whatever that means.]
It's a little late for that, man. But I'm okay with worrying about you. I want to help however I can.
but, again, that includes backing off if you need me to.
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[Because, let's face it, he probably has. Why bother, when you know it won't work out? When you know it's not going to happen. When the last time you tried, when you put whole heart into trying again, and it just... failed. How is he not supposed to see that as his fault? How is he supposed to want to do anything but avoid it altogether?]
I did keep trying
more than a year ago I
I even married the guy
wasn't even a month before he
just wasnt there
[Please excuse the way his text falters. It's been a while since he tried to talk about this. And longer still since the words actually came out.]
so why shouldnt I just
stop?
[Clearly, he doesn't think Grant is overstepping here. If he's going so far as to actually say it. In a manner of speaking.]
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Besides, he guesses, trying to start gently persuading Shiro to get a therapist.]
I can't give a definitive answer to that. I wish I could.
I do understand, given all that, why you would be inclined to stop. I can't blame you at all, that's an awful thing to go through.
But I don't think it's anything about you that caused this. And more than anything, I'm worried that you seem to think it was.
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Sorry I
I don't expect an answer. I don't
think there is one
[Except to "get over it" - what everyone seemed to be expecting him to do. What he just couldn't do.]
It [Why wouldn't it be partially his fault?] It is
a bit
If I had better timing maybe
or got my act together earlier
we'd have had more time
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Platitudes about taking your shot are one thing, and it can be easy to fall into believing them when you're stuck looking back. Thinking what you could have or should have done when it's already past, just like how someone looking in from the outside might question your hesitation.
But it's different in the moment, from one second to another. And it's not reasonable to blame yourself in retrospect for not preparing for something you couldn't possibly have known about.
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[That little cursor flashes for a long... long time. Part of him, irrationally, wants to hang up. Just walk away. He doesn't want to say Grant's right. Because then everyone else would be right. Everyone else who said to move on, to get back out there, would be right.]
[That he'd have to move forward.]
you
sound almost like you're speaking from experience
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But that text finally comes up, and Grant lets out a breath of relief before... thinking carefully about how to respond.]
Not with this specifically but
I've definitely made a fair few decisions i really regretted in retrospect, especially where relationships are concerned. Honestly, more often, my mistake was jumping into things where I SHOULD have hesitated - but I think that just goes to show that the reality of this stuff is way more complicated than it might feel when you're looking back, with information and perspective that you didn't have before.
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Look at us
opposites kind of
[It's not a bad thing. It'd be easier to get that across if he weren't hiding behind text, though.]
But I
I guess I'm not seeing a reason to keep trying. If jumping in doesn't work, if waiting doesn't work
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I mean, on one hand? My immediate answer is that if it works out, it could be very worth it. Which I realize is a pretty weak argument, since the only example I've got is my own situation, which wasn't really comparable to yours to begin with.
[Grant doesn't have a missing husband, after all, just... a string of shitty boyfriends that messed up his expectations.]
So my honest advice here, is that I think you should seek out some kind of professional counseling. If you talk to someone who's actually trained to handle
[He almost types "that kind of trauma", because that is... clearly what it is, but. This is Shiro. That would just turn into a conversation on whether he's traumatized, and Grant doubts it would get them anywhere.]
difficulties like you're having, you may end up concluding that you want to date again, or confirming that it's best you don't. But either way, it could be an opportunity to be more secure in whatever decision you make, and hopefully to lift some of that emotional weight.
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[Who would have thought the first time Shiro ever heard the suggestion of therapy, it was in relation to his romantic issues and not the literal steamer trunk of emotional and mental baggage from everything else.]
Grant I
I think you
you need to be a couple for couples' therapy
doesn't really work when they aren't
here
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[Sorry give him a moment to just
Take that in]
Okay I'm sorry for the confusion but
I'm not suggesting couples therapy
Just regular one-person therapy
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