I haven't heard of anyone else having this problem... though, maybe it is a bit early to say. I *hope* nobody else got hit with the same thing - but, in any case, I'm sorry you have been.
Maybe you should sit back and try to breathe for a bit? Are you feeling okay, other than the... honesty thing?
no im anxious and i want to lock my 'gear in a closet but hey that won't actually help anything because what if someone needs to contact me and what if my family needs me or someone else needs something i have to be available
You have nothing to be sorry for, Shiro - you haven't done anything wrong; you just tried to warn me, and I really appreciate that. But, if you'd rather go, I won't stop you.
Or that is It's not your fault either, and... whatever you're thinking of having "never" been my fault, it hasn't been yours, either. If that made any sense.
Basically, you aren't and haven't done anything wrong.
[Seeing as how he low-key expects Shiro to always be worrying about that, at this point.]
Okay, I will grant that mistakes were made there - but the core of it was not your fault, and you were willing to listen to other people's viewpoints on it! I can't hold that against you, and you shouldn't hold it against *yourself*.
[Wow. That might have been the most structured statement he's managed for this whole conversation. Tracks, honestly, that that's where he'd manage it.]
[Were Grant privy to certain thoughts, there, he might have some things to say about the difference between holding oneself accountable and beating oneself up over a mistake that had already been addressed and remedied to the greatest feasible extent.
Even so, there's still plenty to unpack here.]
I know it can be difficult, sometimes impossible, to change how you think about something. About yourself.
But, if it's at all possible - do you think you'd be able to *try* to tell yourself something else? That you repaired your mistake as best you could, and are now better equipped to avoid similar ones? Because that's the truth, and however much it may feel like the original mistake overshadows it, it *was* an honest mistake, and how you handled it is incredibly important. You did the best you could.
Can't answer that without it being something you don't want to hear.
[People want to know their words are helping, don't they? That they're sinking in. They're having an effect. In ways Shiro just can't seem to manage to do. Why can't he do it? His friends, his family, have been trying for years.]
[So what's wrong?]
"best" is never good enoug |
[Stupid traitorous fingers send it before he can delete it.]
I can see why you'd worry about that. But I would rather hear an uncomfortable reality than be left in the dark about what you're going through.
[Please. Please talk to him. If there's anything at all that he can do, he can't find it if he doesn't know anything.
Did someone else tell you that? That's his first thought, but he's reluctant to pry so directly, when Shiro has so little control of his own answers.]
It was. At least in that instance. How someone handles a mistake can tell you a lot more about them than if they never make that mistake at all, and I knew from that incident that I could trust you.
[He might be getting dangerously close to saying too much himself here, but... there it is.]
It has to pass. It will be fine. Just a ridiculous pokemon curse.
[The uncomfortable reality just puts more weight on other people. It's bad enough he's letting this out at all. These little slips. Grant has enough to deal with, Grant has fielded enough of his nonsense.]
I I appreciate it.
It still won't happen again. I'm still sorry it happened at all.
If you don't want to tell me, that's fine, and I can respect that; I don't want to push. I mean, especially not in a time like right now, where you're being forced into honesty, but also just... in general.
But I want you to know you *can*, if you ever want to. And if you won't address what I'm telling you, I don't know whether you understand that.
Okay - I believe you, don't worry about that. Thank you.
[Why is this so hard. Why can he not just agree to talk to someone? Especially when it's just so plainly offered to him. It's an ear, it's a shoulder, and Grant is offering. Holding it out. Telling him it's all right, that he can bend a little.]
[You can, if you ever want to]
[No he can't. He can't but -]
i cant and i dont know why
[... oh if he ever sees another snorunt again it will be too soon.]
That's alright, and it's nothing to apologize for, either; understanding your own mental processes, including hesitancies like that, is a learned skill, and it can be really difficult. Being reluctant to seek help when you're not used to it is really common, too.
...I hope none of this is coming off as patronizing. I just want you to know you're not wrong or failing for this.
[All of you. Grant had hoped he'd gotten his intentions across right, that he was making sense without just pushing Shiro further than he was comfortable with, but--
Well, it makes sense. Who does he think he is, anyway?
He takes a deep breath, tries to will away the knot of guilt twisting up in his chest. Okay. Just explain yourself. Either it works or it doesn't, just... don't bow out right away, that'll only make him feel worse.]
There's a difference between people wanting you to be able to overcome something that's not good for you, and thinking you've done something wrong. I'm not blaming you for what you're struggling with, and, though I can't read anyone else's mind, I would guess the same is true for the others close to you. And that includes your struggling with accepting help. We don't want you blaming yourself for it, either; it's not your fault.
Okay. I'm sorry, anyway, for pushing. I can go if you'd rather.
[If that I can't do this was about the whole conversation that just happened... he figures he'd better.
But he can't go without warning. Again, he suspects Shiro would just beat himself up over that.]
[Yes it is - it comes out verbally, with a rush of exhausted breath. Okay. He didn't have to type that. Maybe that's the key here. He just has to let it out, somehow.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
text;
[He wishes he could leave it at that, but - ]
Maybe it's just me and I panicked and sent this message too fast
text;
Maybe you should sit back and try to breathe for a bit? Are you feeling okay, other than the... honesty thing?
text;
sorry
text;
No, don't apologize.
Is there anything I can do? Or-- Would you rather I just stopped asking questions so you can... well. Stop answering?
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ask me what you can do for me
please
i hate
that i typed that i should just go
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No it's fine you don't have to go!
Unless you want to, it's
I mean, it's up to you, but I guess it also kind of isn't?
I might be confusing myself here sorry
What should I do
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i just wanted to warn you and its going sideways like literally everything else
ill go
im sorry
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but its not your fault
it's
it's never been your fault
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Or that is
It's not your fault either, and... whatever you're thinking of having "never" been my fault, it hasn't been yours, either. If that made any sense.
Basically, you aren't and haven't done anything wrong.
[Seeing as how he low-key expects Shiro to always be worrying about that, at this point.]
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[So, yes, yes he has done something wrong.]
I
i should hang up
but that's not
that's not your fault
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[Wow. That might have been the most structured statement he's managed for this whole conversation. Tracks, honestly, that that's where he'd manage it.]
Okay. If you're sure.
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[Why not.]
[Why not hold himself accountable for his own mistakes?]
i do
can't change that
i'm sorry
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Even so, there's still plenty to unpack here.]
I know it can be difficult, sometimes impossible, to change how you think about something. About yourself.
But, if it's at all possible - do you think you'd be able to *try* to tell yourself something else? That you repaired your mistake as best you could, and are now better equipped to avoid similar ones? Because that's the truth, and however much it may feel like the original mistake overshadows it, it *was* an honest mistake, and how you handled it is incredibly important. You did the best you could.
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Can't answer that without it being something you don't want to hear.
[People want to know their words are helping, don't they? That they're sinking in. They're having an effect. In ways Shiro just can't seem to manage to do. Why can't he do it? His friends, his family, have been trying for years.]
[So what's wrong?]
"best" is never good enoug |
[Stupid traitorous fingers send it before he can delete it.]
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[Please. Please talk to him. If there's anything at all that he can do, he can't find it if he doesn't know anything.
Did someone else tell you that? That's his first thought, but he's reluctant to pry so directly, when Shiro has so little control of his own answers.]
It was. At least in that instance. How someone handles a mistake can tell you a lot more about them than if they never make that mistake at all, and I knew from that incident that I could trust you.
[He might be getting dangerously close to saying too much himself here, but... there it is.]
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It has to pass. It will be fine. Just a ridiculous pokemon curse.
[The uncomfortable reality just puts more weight on other people. It's bad enough he's letting this out at all. These little slips. Grant has enough to deal with, Grant has fielded enough of his nonsense.]
I
I appreciate it.
It still won't happen again. I'm still sorry it happened at all.
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If you don't want to tell me, that's fine, and I can respect that; I don't want to push. I mean, especially not in a time like right now, where you're being forced into honesty, but also just... in general.
But I want you to know you *can*, if you ever want to. And if you won't address what I'm telling you, I don't know whether you understand that.
Okay - I believe you, don't worry about that. Thank you.
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[You can, if you ever want to]
[No he can't. He can't but -]
i cant and i dont know why
[... oh if he ever sees another snorunt again it will be too soon.]
i dont know why i cant im sorry
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That's alright, and it's nothing to apologize for, either; understanding your own mental processes, including hesitancies like that, is a learned skill, and it can be really difficult. Being reluctant to seek help when you're not used to it is really common, too.
...I hope none of this is coming off as patronizing. I just want you to know you're not wrong or failing for this.
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all of you keep saying its not right and what am i
It's not patronizing. I just can't do this.
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Well, it makes sense. Who does he think he is, anyway?
He takes a deep breath, tries to will away the knot of guilt twisting up in his chest. Okay. Just explain yourself. Either it works or it doesn't, just... don't bow out right away, that'll only make him feel worse.]
There's a difference between people wanting you to be able to overcome something that's not good for you, and thinking you've done something wrong. I'm not blaming you for what you're struggling with, and, though I can't read anyone else's mind, I would guess the same is true for the others close to you. And that includes your struggling with accepting help. We don't want you blaming yourself for it, either; it's not your fault.
Okay. I'm sorry, anyway, for pushing. I can go if you'd rather.
[If that I can't do this was about the whole conversation that just happened... he figures he'd better.
But he can't go without warning. Again, he suspects Shiro would just beat himself up over that.]
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[Yes it is - it comes out verbally, with a rush of exhausted breath. Okay. He didn't have to type that. Maybe that's the key here. He just has to let it out, somehow.]
I don't
know what to say
maybe I should go.
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If there's anything else you want to talk about, if only just to distract you then I'd like to help with that
But if you'd rather go, that's alright.
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How is Chip?
[That's safe. And that's something he genuinely wonders about.]
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