[When Grant gets there, Felix is just a little too lightly dressed by most people's standards for the still-chilly weather, although he is still wearing the scarf Sylvain gave him for Christmas. He's got a wand toy in hand, moving it around for Pan the Eevee to chase.]
[Grant guesses he shouldn't be too surprised by how Felix is dressed; he's starting to gather the Faerghans' cold tolerance is... alarming, on the whole? He pushes his hands a little deeper into his pockets as he approaches, watching Pan dart around.]
[Felix looks up and gives Grant a nod, though he doesn't stop baiting Pan as he talks and his eyes go back to the Eevee a moment later.]
Last week. The day before Chip left. I saw them at breakfast and they said something to me. About...not being able to protect anyone. Then they kicked me and ran off.
[He doesn't look or sound particularly angry, though. Just troubled.]
I don't understand where it came from or why they said it.
[Grant's brow creases, his face falling in gentle, distinctly unsurprised sadness. He nods, slowly.] Right, uh... two questions. Did they say anything else that stuck out, and has Claude or Dimitri told you what Chip said when they found them?
Alright. [He takes a hand out of his pocket to rub at his jaw, thinking over what he can say here.
Now that Claude and Dimitri know about Chip's heritage, that's a step toward the others knowing - and Grant thinks they should, eventually. But despite it all, explaining outright without Chip there still feels wrong.
He drops his hand by his side.] So... when things go wrong, Chip tends to think of it as their fault. Even if it's something totally outside their control, like the Indeedee, or Sylvain falling asleep. They have their reasons for thinking like that, but... I'm not sure I can get into that in good conscience without their involvement.
The thing is, they also... tend to assume other people "know" things are their fault. And that they know the reasons they think that way. And, when they're really pushed, it... wouldn't be the first time they've lashed out to try and force those around them to act on... on what Chip is sure they already know. I think... that day, itself, ended up being that push.
Hmph. So they take after you, taking responsibility for things they shouldn't.
[Felix doesn't care to pry into whatever causes it for Chip; if he needs to know, someone will tell him. Although now that he thinks about it, one of the cards he received on Valentine's Day was almost certainly from Chip. Hm. As for the rest...lashing out to push people past their limits and goad them into a reaction. He knows that feeling, that overwhelming frustration.]
I see. Perhaps that explains one of the secrets I received from the Indeedee. Something about how I 'wouldn't wait if I knew' and not wanting me to find out. About what, I have no idea.
...there was a time when I acted the same way, for different reasons. The secret wasn't my own, but the end result was similar. I attempted to flee my home once, as well, as a child. Although you're nothing like my father, so I don't see why Chip would flee from you.
[Grant snorts quietly, raising an eyebrow.] Guess that's one way to put it.
[His expression goes somber again, at the rest of what Felix says, and he presses his lips together for a moment as he considers how to answer.] Mm... yeah, that sounds like them. As for what-- I know I said I can't get into it now, but I've been talking to them about going ahead and telling everyone, with them there. So... I can at least say we might be clearing things up soon.
Believe it or not, it's not the first time it's happened... [He trails off in another moment of thought before asking,] Can I ask why you ran away?
[He pauses to put away the wand toy and release Oghma the Glaceon instead, so he and Pan can run off and entertain themselves. That done, he slips his hands into his pockets and fixes his gaze on something random.]
You might recall when I told you that after the Tragedy of Duscur, my father left our territory for the capital to take care of Dimitri. And insisted that I stay at home. I hadn't seen Dimitri at all since before Duscur. All I knew was that he'd been badly injured, and my old man wouldn't let me see him.
[He shrugs, like it's no big deal.] My uncle was...inattentive. So one night I took a horse from the stables and set out for Fhirdiad on my own. I thought about going to Gautier first and asking Sylvain to come with me, but it would have taken much longer. I wasn't a very good rider and didn't know enough to erase the tracks in the snow, so once the overnight staff told my uncle I was gone, it didn't take him that long to find me.
[And his uncle chastised him for being irresponsible, and he cried the whole way back to Fraldarius demanding to see Dimitri and getting ignored. Ugh. Felix's jaw clenches just thinking about it.]
He told my father, of course, who returned for a few days to lecture me about how with my brother gone it was my responsibility to stay and learn how to govern the territory while Dimitri recovered.
[Never mind that Felix was thirteen and alone, and had lost his brother and nearly his best friend mere months ago only to have his father tell him that it was such a glorious sacrifice.]
[Well, there's that ever-familiar impulse never to talk again.]
It's... you know what I meant. [That's barely more than a mumble, but at least he got it out. And now he can listen.
Grant's brow creases, slowly, as Felix describes that whole... sequence of events. Holy shit.] That's... awful. It seriously didn't occur to either of them to just bring you to see him?
Who knows. Maybe he really did believe my 'place' was back in Fraldarius. But I think he knew Dimitri was unstable and didn't want to risk...whatever he thought would happen.
[And decided it was his responsibility to look after Dimitri personally, apparently, which was more important than his own son. Well, of course. Dimitri was the prince. His well-being trumps everyone else's. Including--or especially--a Fraldarius.]
[He guesses he can see the concerns about Dimitri being unstable, given... everything he knows about what happens when Dimitri is unstable. But, all the same...] And that was supposed to be worth leaving you basically on your own after what happened, huh.
[There is, in one of those rare moments where he can't (or maybe doesn't want to) smooth over his own feelings, no disguising the distaste in his voice and expression. Maybe it's easier since Felix clearly feels similarly, but... well, he can't claim this isn't a little bit personal.]
Hmph. Those were always my old man's priorities. King and country. Tradition. Honor. Chivalry. All more important than his own family.
[Felix scowls and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a moment. He means everything he's saying, of course. He's meant it for a long time--but that's what he's uncertain about, now. Is this really still all he feels after everything, or is this just an emotional groove he's worn into his heart that's hard to pull himself out of? It's so much easier to focus on - and express - his anger and resentment than on everything else. He sighs, sharp.]
[Weird. That might be the first time Grant's heard Felix admit that he might be being unfair about something.
And yet:] Hmm. I'm in no position to say if you are, but I do think sometimes being a little "uncharitable" is justified. His priorities screwed you over, and you've got every right to be bothered by that.
[But Rodrigue was the only real family Felix had left. And he'd thought maybe, once the war was over, they could at least reach some kind of equilibrium that would allow them to be in the same room for more than five minutes without Felix storming out, even if only so that his transition to taking up his father's title eventually would be smooth.
And he wouldn't feel so unreasonably angry about Rodrigue dying in Dimitri's arms without even calling for him if he hadn't, on some level, wanted to reconcile.]
Mm. Doesn't matter. He's dead, there's no point in wallowing in self-pity over it.
Guess so. But there's a difference between wallowing in self-pity and acknowledging how something's affected you.
[He won't push that, though. Instead, he'll just hope Felix takes that into consideration, and in the meantime Grant will take the risk of... actually mentioning something about himself for once.] I mean, I'm probably never going to see my own dad, assuming he's still alive - but I still feel pretty secure in being pissed at him.
[While that may be true, Felix intends to acknowledge it only in his own mind, if he can get away with it. From now on, anyway; it's too late to take back everything he said to Claude on the subject. He's not sure he'd want to, anyway.]
I remember. You said he left you and your mother at some point.
[Grant gives a slight nod, pressing his lips together. Normally, he'd be a little hesitant to get right into this, but... well, he seems to have had the most luck chatting with Felix when they're complaining.]
Mm-hm. Less than, uh, a month after I was born. [He snorts quietly.] Just after the first full moon, actually.
I see. Regardless of the fact that an infant couldn't possibly be a threat to him, or anyone, even if he did believe the rumors were true. [Felix scoffs.] Coward.
Yyyep. If I want to try and be "fair" to him, I could say, I don't know if he was afraid of me so much as he was overwhelmed by the pressures and extra work involved in raising a kid with lycanthropy - which are very real. And deciding that he wasn't up to it was his choice to make.
[He hisses through his teeth, making a face for a moment.] Then I could remember that he definitely knew my mom was a carrier, and then when he bolted anyway she had to do all that extra work herself. So, y'know. It's my choice to consider him an asshole.
Tch. I don't know what's worse, leaving your child out of some misplaced sense of duty, or doing it because you're too lazy and callous to accept the consequences of your actions. Not that it matters. No excuse is sufficient.
[To say nothing of doing it out of grief, to raise the son of the man you loved but couldn't have instead. Ugh.]
Yeah... I think you about got it, there. They both suck.
[Ugh.
Grant lets out a quiet sigh, because... talking about dads is sort of exhausting?
And then he remembers there's another potentially exhausting thing he should still bring up.
His hesitation doubtless shows on his face for a moment as he considers whether to speak up. But... he'll have to say something sometime, right?]
Actually, while we're here, could I... ask you about a note I got from the Indeedee? You don't have to... tell me whether it's you, if you don't want to.
[Felix glances at Grant sidelong. Great. He has no idea what kind of thing the Indeedee dug out of his head and he doesn't really want to know, but he supposes he asked Grant about Chip's so it's only fair.
Tch. And Dimitri tries to insist that Indeedee aren't sadistic menaces.]
Saying I don't have to tell you is meaningless. If I refuse, that's confirmation anyway. And I would be a coward not to stand by my own words. So go ahead.
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[When Grant gets there, Felix is just a little too lightly dressed by most people's standards for the still-chilly weather, although he is still wearing the scarf Sylvain gave him for Christmas. He's got a wand toy in hand, moving it around for Pan the Eevee to chase.]
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Hey. What about Chip did you want to talk about?
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Last week. The day before Chip left. I saw them at breakfast and they said something to me. About...not being able to protect anyone. Then they kicked me and ran off.
[He doesn't look or sound particularly angry, though. Just troubled.]
I don't understand where it came from or why they said it.
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[Grant's brow creases, his face falling in gentle, distinctly unsurprised sadness. He nods, slowly.] Right, uh... two questions. Did they say anything else that stuck out, and has Claude or Dimitri told you what Chip said when they found them?
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Now that Claude and Dimitri know about Chip's heritage, that's a step toward the others knowing - and Grant thinks they should, eventually. But despite it all, explaining outright without Chip there still feels wrong.
He drops his hand by his side.] So... when things go wrong, Chip tends to think of it as their fault. Even if it's something totally outside their control, like the Indeedee, or Sylvain falling asleep. They have their reasons for thinking like that, but... I'm not sure I can get into that in good conscience without their involvement.
The thing is, they also... tend to assume other people "know" things are their fault. And that they know the reasons they think that way. And, when they're really pushed, it... wouldn't be the first time they've lashed out to try and force those around them to act on... on what Chip is sure they already know. I think... that day, itself, ended up being that push.
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[Felix doesn't care to pry into whatever causes it for Chip; if he needs to know, someone will tell him. Although now that he thinks about it, one of the cards he received on Valentine's Day was almost certainly from Chip. Hm. As for the rest...lashing out to push people past their limits and goad them into a reaction. He knows that feeling, that overwhelming frustration.]
I see. Perhaps that explains one of the secrets I received from the Indeedee. Something about how I 'wouldn't wait if I knew' and not wanting me to find out. About what, I have no idea.
...there was a time when I acted the same way, for different reasons. The secret wasn't my own, but the end result was similar. I attempted to flee my home once, as well, as a child. Although you're nothing like my father, so I don't see why Chip would flee from you.
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[His expression goes somber again, at the rest of what Felix says, and he presses his lips together for a moment as he considers how to answer.] Mm... yeah, that sounds like them. As for what-- I know I said I can't get into it now, but I've been talking to them about going ahead and telling everyone, with them there. So... I can at least say we might be clearing things up soon.
Believe it or not, it's not the first time it's happened... [He trails off in another moment of thought before asking,] Can I ask why you ran away?
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[He pauses to put away the wand toy and release Oghma the Glaceon instead, so he and Pan can run off and entertain themselves. That done, he slips his hands into his pockets and fixes his gaze on something random.]
You might recall when I told you that after the Tragedy of Duscur, my father left our territory for the capital to take care of Dimitri. And insisted that I stay at home. I hadn't seen Dimitri at all since before Duscur. All I knew was that he'd been badly injured, and my old man wouldn't let me see him.
[He shrugs, like it's no big deal.] My uncle was...inattentive. So one night I took a horse from the stables and set out for Fhirdiad on my own. I thought about going to Gautier first and asking Sylvain to come with me, but it would have taken much longer. I wasn't a very good rider and didn't know enough to erase the tracks in the snow, so once the overnight staff told my uncle I was gone, it didn't take him that long to find me.
[And his uncle chastised him for being irresponsible, and he cried the whole way back to Fraldarius demanding to see Dimitri and getting ignored. Ugh. Felix's jaw clenches just thinking about it.]
He told my father, of course, who returned for a few days to lecture me about how with my brother gone it was my responsibility to stay and learn how to govern the territory while Dimitri recovered.
[Never mind that Felix was thirteen and alone, and had lost his brother and nearly his best friend mere months ago only to have his father tell him that it was such a glorious sacrifice.]
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It's... you know what I meant. [That's barely more than a mumble, but at least he got it out. And now he can listen.
Grant's brow creases, slowly, as Felix describes that whole... sequence of events. Holy shit.] That's... awful. It seriously didn't occur to either of them to just bring you to see him?
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[Is there just a faint tinge of bitterness in that last part? Maybe.]
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Why... would that involve keeping you away?
[It sounds to Grant like it would be the best for both of them if they saw each other... right?]
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Who knows. Maybe he really did believe my 'place' was back in Fraldarius. But I think he knew Dimitri was unstable and didn't want to risk...whatever he thought would happen.
[And decided it was his responsibility to look after Dimitri personally, apparently, which was more important than his own son. Well, of course. Dimitri was the prince. His well-being trumps everyone else's. Including--or especially--a Fraldarius.]
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[He guesses he can see the concerns about Dimitri being unstable, given... everything he knows about what happens when Dimitri is unstable. But, all the same...] And that was supposed to be worth leaving you basically on your own after what happened, huh.
[There is, in one of those rare moments where he can't (or maybe doesn't want to) smooth over his own feelings, no disguising the distaste in his voice and expression. Maybe it's easier since Felix clearly feels similarly, but... well, he can't claim this isn't a little bit personal.]
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[Felix scowls and pinches the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes for a moment. He means everything he's saying, of course. He's meant it for a long time--but that's what he's uncertain about, now. Is this really still all he feels after everything, or is this just an emotional groove he's worn into his heart that's hard to pull himself out of? It's so much easier to focus on - and express - his anger and resentment than on everything else. He sighs, sharp.]
I...suppose I'm being a little uncharitable.
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And yet:] Hmm. I'm in no position to say if you are, but I do think sometimes being a little "uncharitable" is justified. His priorities screwed you over, and you've got every right to be bothered by that.
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Hm. You're right. But...
[But Rodrigue was the only real family Felix had left. And he'd thought maybe, once the war was over, they could at least reach some kind of equilibrium that would allow them to be in the same room for more than five minutes without Felix storming out, even if only so that his transition to taking up his father's title eventually would be smooth.
And he wouldn't feel so unreasonably angry about Rodrigue dying in Dimitri's arms without even calling for him if he hadn't, on some level, wanted to reconcile.]
Mm. Doesn't matter. He's dead, there's no point in wallowing in self-pity over it.
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[He won't push that, though. Instead, he'll just hope Felix takes that into consideration, and in the meantime Grant will take the risk of... actually mentioning something about himself for once.] I mean, I'm probably never going to see my own dad, assuming he's still alive - but I still feel pretty secure in being pissed at him.
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I remember. You said he left you and your mother at some point.
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Mm-hm. Less than, uh, a month after I was born. [He snorts quietly.] Just after the first full moon, actually.
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[He hisses through his teeth, making a face for a moment.] Then I could remember that he definitely knew my mom was a carrier, and then when he bolted anyway she had to do all that extra work herself. So, y'know. It's my choice to consider him an asshole.
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[To say nothing of doing it out of grief, to raise the son of the man you loved but couldn't have instead. Ugh.]
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[Ugh.
Grant lets out a quiet sigh, because... talking about dads is sort of exhausting?
And then he remembers there's another potentially exhausting thing he should still bring up.
His hesitation doubtless shows on his face for a moment as he considers whether to speak up. But... he'll have to say something sometime, right?]
Actually, while we're here, could I... ask you about a note I got from the Indeedee? You don't have to... tell me whether it's you, if you don't want to.
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Tch. And Dimitri tries to insist that Indeedee aren't sadistic menaces.]
Saying I don't have to tell you is meaningless. If I refuse, that's confirmation anyway. And I would be a coward not to stand by my own words. So go ahead.
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